Talking with a good friend of mine brought a lot to my mind yet I have no idea how we even got on the topic. We started talking about a guy on my bus who calls me a "vampiric smart a** b***h" because he's seen me drink the blood of Rami and Phill and Mark a couple of times. Some call me a whore because they don't know the full story of what happened between Chelsea and me at Mainstream when she, Phill, Mark, and Gary did what they did.
When he and I used to go out there were some things I kept from him - such as the fact that from the age of 8 my cousin would sexually abuse and try to rape me.
I fear people, emotions, physical and emotional contact and life itself. It seems the only thing I don't fear is death - which is where I think I got my cutting from. And it makes me feel so selfish that I would do something such as cutting to escape the reality which I call my life - which I called a nightmare. And to this day I look at my scars and cry because I know that I could have gone further than I always did. And then it donns on me that there are people out there who have it so much worse than I.
I can only say that I've been sexually abused and a victim of attempted rape. But there are others who haven't been so lucky and have been true victims of rape and for multiple times. So is it really right for me to take my anger out on myself because I would let Josh get as far as he did for the past 8 years? Is it my fault that Chelsea and Phill and Mark and Gary had their way with my neck, ears, and chest? In all honesty yes I do blame myself because I could have tried more than just kicking. But at the same time I can't blame myself because I never wanted something like that to occur to me again. I hate to be restrained but at the same time I love it. I love the feel of not being able to protect myself - but not in the manner of rape.
Then there's the matter of the heart..the most powerful thing in the world but yet it is the weakest when it has found its tamer. But when the tamer is hardly able to keep the heart tamed, then what is it? To make the heart tamed the person has to have full control over it - but what happens when that person is nowhere around? The heart becomes frozen sculpture of blood once more waiting to be thawed by the heat the person causes when even their name is mentioned. But sometimes having a tamed heart isn't a good thing when it is tamed by one who is hardly around.
I feel so selfish to want him with me so often when I know he has a life just as I .. no wait scratch that I don't really have a life now do I? If I sit here and think of such complex ideas and thoughts then I obviously musn't have much to amuse myself, huh... *sighs*
I just wish the people who stare at, lecture, and ridicule me would understand what I feel and why I feel it. I have a small trust for people and an even smaller love for life.
I'm sorry if I depress anyone with this post but I just had to write it out to get it off my mind..which I doubt it helped much..Maybe a cry or something but I haven't been able to really cry in god knows how long.. *shrugs and sighs* Oh well...Que cera cera..Whatever will be will be...
Linkin Park
My December
This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you
Feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the
Things I said to you
And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to
This is my December
These are my snow-covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the things
I said to you
And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to
This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to
This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you
Feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the
Things I said to you
And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to
This is my December
These are my snow-covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the things
I said to you
And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to
This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to
