Is this how it feels? To be so vulnerable the smallest things make you want to break down and cry? I hate it. And...I can't take it anymore. The stress is too much. I slipped up. I may disappear for a long time now, allbecause I missed one little assignment. And now...I'm giving up. I don't want to do well in school. It's toohard for me. I'm an artist. That's all I can be. I can't do school, it just doesn't work out. I always fail. All the stress from being told I would be grounded if I missed even one assignment was just too much. If it took more than a minute to find something, I would almost start crying. Having the computer really is life or death sometimes for me. Calli's comfort and undying devotion to see me happy is all that keeps me from getting a knife and slitting my wrists sometimes. Really. And today was just the worst....I forgot my Drivers Ed assignment, and cried (silently of course.) Not just for a couple minutes, mind you, but throughout the day. Third period, lunch, fourth period, fifth, and six. Several hours. I couldn't stop. And this weekend's close shave with a panic attack was scary enough. I don't need the stress of worrying about my mom grounding me on top of that.
The smallest things lately have been almost destroying my entire world. People get mad at me, telling me to suck it up, but it's not that easy for everyone. Some of us can't keep a tough front all the time. And having such a cushy life compared to those people has made me weak. I can't deal with negativity as well as them. I cry at the drop of a hat sometimes. In fact, I could barely talk to my English teacher about not doing a class assignment without my voice cracking and forcing back tears. Even though she could tell I ws upsert and was being as gentle as she could. She even gave me more time to do the assignment. But I started crying again as soon as she released me. You all will think I'm weak now, and possibly dislike me. But Whatever. I'm human. Even guys cry when they're upset sometimes. Though I know many of you are good, logical, understanding people, and I appreciate those of you who are. You are the kind of people I rely on to talk me out of doing terrible things to myself.
I'm done for now. Please forgive me if I do disappear.
 Le Prince Egoiste · Tue Feb 19, 2008 @ 11:56pm · 1 Comments |
