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I shouldn't be writting right now....not in this state of mind....then again I doubt anyone cares so I'll go ahead with this anyways.....I guess everthing was fine today....this guy I hate told me that he loves me (whatever....he needs to stop stalking me and thinking that I care for him).....and it was all basicly normal.....so what if ty caressed my face....thats basicly normal...I know something else happened....along those lines but I ccan't remember what........all I have to say right now is that I'm an idiot.......and a masochist......and theres a good reason for me to believe that.....it started after I was sent home half an hour early...I was waiting for my mom to pick me up and I was really bored....so I started looking inside my bag just so I could entertain myself for a while.....and what do I find there?the last thing I need it at the moment......the last letter I had gotten from her.....I read it (worst mistake I've done all day...even worst than eating lunch and breakfast all in one day)....and I read it and I hate myself just a little more for everything...the good and the bad....I finally saw what she was trying to say in it....it's funny...I remember when I first got it I cried tears of joy....I was so happy....but I didn't exactly read it all....it probably makes no sence and thats ok right now....I can get away with it 'cause I said in the beginning that my mind wasn't ok....infact...it's far from it.
now I understand why she would say that she would hurt me....I'm thinking on the same lines now.....I have to mentally slap myself so I can think properly again......I guess I'm afraid of hurting the ones that I do love 'cause they are so few of them.....
to be honest....at this moment....a;; I want to do is cry......yeah...I'm that weak.....all I really want is either 1)stay in a dark room and cry until I have no more tears left or 2)stay in the same dark room but with a bit more light in it and have someone that actually cares (actually being the key word here)for me holding me tight....welll I'm off....I have to stare at the ceiling and stuff....bye...