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So you want to know what it's like being me?

	Comfort is only skin deep.
	Comfort is only skin deep.


I have the urge to leave again. I want to go anywhere so badly. This place is not my home, my heart isn't here. I want to travel with friends or family. I want to see what this world has to offer and then end up living in solitude somewhere. I just hope I don't end up alone. I want true, honest love. The kind that you find when you're not looking. My emotions have been played with far too much and I'm through with it. If love finds me then it happens, if not...I guess it wasn't ment to be that way. I know I've screwed up a lot and hurt a lot of people I cared about and there's no way I could ever make it up to them, no matter how much I want to. In 7 years I'm moving to Japan, I'm going to build my own home and live there with whoever decides to come with me. I don't know what it will be like, but I do know it will be the most difficult thing I've ever done. And I'm not afraid anymore. I know there's a lot for me to learn, and I want to go out and learn it. If I make a few mistakes on the way then that's how it was supposed to be. There's one person out there that doesn't know how much I still care, how much I would give up for them even now. What would it take for them to see? My death? I thought about that before. If I was dying and this person was the last person I went to before I died, what would they do, think, say or feel? Anything to let them know I still love them as much as I ever have. And maybe it's holding me back, but inside I know it gives me strength to push myself and be the best I can be for them. I push myself harder then I ever have before in hopes they will see someday. This was the person I would've married in the future, when we both were ready. But I feel like I betrayed myself and her..I was too blind to see what I was doing to her. And it cost everything...Was thinking too much to ask of myself then? Yesterday was the first day in a long time I broke down. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. I came home from training all day and started crying. It seems to take a lot for that to happen. I want to be okie again. I don't want my friends to hurt anymore, they don't deserve it. And there seems like there's nothing I can do from here, even if I could what would I do? Who knows, but I have to go now. I have a funeral to go to. I'll see you all whenever I post next. Later whoever reads this. Phoenix Maristat · Wed Jul 06, 2005 @ 06:06pm · 11 Comments


Phoenix Maristat Community Member «Prev \| Next» Archive \| Home [03/08/07 11:46pm] [08/09/05 08:45am] [07/29/05 05:05am] [07/24/05 05:52pm] [07/06/05 06:06pm] [07/01/05 07:11pm] [06/27/05 02:13am] [06/20/05 09:39pm] [06/15/05 07:05pm] [05/20/05 02:06am]

	User Comments: [11]
	User Comments: [11]


	Heh... weak. Listen, if you truly want to find "true" love, then you're searching blindly. You need to go out, take a few chances... learn the pain of getting your heart broken- learn the pain of others. If you truly want to find true love, then you need to be a little more stronger. You can't just sit back and wait for things to happen, go out for god's sake! Besides, it's a little early for you to love and marriage (not that I think you're thinking that); but then again I guess it's never too early. But still, you're still only in your teens and you need to take life a little less serious. Quit thinking about death, it's not going to happen for a long time (believe me) and quit thinking about true love for now. You need to live your life to its fullest...! And who know's, you might actually find "the one" along the way; but things arn't going to happen just because you want them too, plus you can't be like a rock and wait. So for god's sake man... STOP thinking too hard about it, live, love, be happy, and don't worry about death- that will only hold you back. And I'm sorry if I'm very straight foward... and I'm sorry if I might hurt you feelings, but this is life. ~Peace Offline Liquid Devil · Community Member · Thu Jul 07, 2005 @ 12:09am


	I am with kaitlin but yet i do not feel the same exact way... because you have felt what i am starting to feel. to feel that at night when your trying to sleep you think of "the one" you are with and you say to yourself "damn i am lucky" but i say this as politly as possible. You screwed up. And you can't change that past so there is no use to complain about it only to learn from what has been done... it is something that takes time and pain... you have taught me so much in life... as a friend with out you i would feel more lost than i feel now. I want to go to japan with you in seven years when i would be twenty years old... but i have to see wher like takes me. what i can learn from you and kevin and matt and all the rest of teh people who are close to me. In order for me to be the best i can be i most learn. Learning is something that no one else can give you. It is only a thing that people help you create with in your self. Having a ability and not to use it when needed is abusing it like a privilage. Like all things in life there are exceptions to it but still. When i learned martial arts i entered a world i didn't understand. A world where everything was different and you felt like you didn't fit in. but thats the beauty of it. Offline Hei DragonBlade · Community Member · Thu Jul 07, 2005 @ 06:18am


	we already talked about the "screwing up" part in real life, sorta... so all i will say is, i will live in japan with you if it makes you feel better. Offline [ A z i ] · Community Member · Fri Jul 08, 2005 @ 10:11pm


	Im so very sorry that it seems happyness is so distant to you. Im probobly just ending up repaeating somthing others have said but, if you want this love. The kind thats true and not found when looking. if this is what you really want, you have to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for hurting the ones you love, and forgive yourself for not being able to fix things between them. You cant keep thinking about how to make them see your sorry because im pretty sure they already know. True love wont happen until your open to it. You cant tell yourself to be open, you just have to be ready. Your feelings will get hurt, and others feeling will get hurt. Thats how love and life works. But theres always someone out there for you. Someone who cares beyond reason and who want to find their true love aswell. Dont give up on that. Take chances. make mistakes,get hurt, and forgive. Its good you have such a strong goal for the future. Japan.. wow. Id love to move to japan. I think it would a be a brilliant experience for you. And who knows, in 7 years time if i know you, i might just come visit.lol. Everyone has moments when.. they just need to cry. When the world may seem to colapse around them. Things will get better. Im promise you. I just know it. Your too good of a person at heart for things not to pick up. Offline BettytheGreat · Community Member · Sun Jul 10, 2005 @ 06:01pm


	screw them... they dont understand... no one understands sure they will tell you to go out and make mistakes and take a chance sure they will try to comfort you in your solace sure they will be impatients at your progress dont you dare listen they will not understand be strong in yer heart if they are truely friends they will not bring you down with such memories be strong in yer heart you will get through the mind will always overcome any body no matter how weak or how strong when you break down agian and you will tell yer self that you will be strong shout it out if you have to turn this pain into anger anger against this pain so be strong you hear me be strong Offline 0letiki · Community Member · Mon Jul 11, 2005 @ 06:32pm


	How dare you say that I don't understand? I've been down very screwed up roads in my life, and the only way I became stronger was to get through them. I've felt pain, numbness, and loneiness. I've felt broken a couple of times; and betrayed by who I thought were my friends. But, I have never met a more stronger person than my best friends. I have witness first hand my friend being physically, verbally, and sexually abused... by her family. She was adopted at the age of 9; but before she was adopted, she was living in Russia. One of the harshest places ever for a child. There she traveled down one of the darkest roads for a child. She was beaten up by a lot of children, but she fought back. She was hurt by her real mother, but she didn't cry... she survived. She is the only one that I have ever seen travel down one of the most darkest roads with her chin held high. She is the only one that I saw laugh in her terrible situations. She is THE strongest person that I have ever crossed roads with...! She is THE greatest! No one can compare with her power! So if we didn't have any mistakes, or chances in our life, we would be living a perfect life. We would all be weak, we would all have nothing to become stronger by. We would all have no reason to LIVE! I say F* everything, and go for it! And if you fail, it doesn't mean that you can't try again; it just means that you need to correct your mistakes! Sure you have to be strong in the heart and in the mind and all that... but how are you going to be strong if you don't learn from your mistakes? HUH?! If you can answer that, Tiki 2.0, then I'll envy you. Also I'm sorry... but shouting won't solve all your problems in life. ~From the person who understands more, Peace. Offline Liquid Devil** · Community Member · Wed Jul 13, 2005 @ 03:13am


	I agree with Katelyn, if you mess up then you will know what to do next time. I am sorry Tiki, you are one of my good friends, but i have to agree with Katelyn. Offline [ A z i ] · Community Member · Wed Jul 13, 2005 @ 07:46pm


	oks first off.... you dont understand.... no one ever really does.... because we all experiece life differently.... second never tell people you understand.... it just doesnt make sense to say it.... third you use "I" to much.... its about his life not yers.... you may think.... but he must think too and act upon aswell.... and about yer question.... it takes time to mend a broken heart.... he must find strength first in himself so he can find the will to learn and move on.... or else he will live in fear.... it seem he is afaid of his failure.... i see his heart weak and brittle.... let him find the strength with in himself.... Offline 0letiki · Community Member · Thu Jul 14, 2005 @ 11:01am


	No, actually I got exactly what you were saying... ok, if no one understands, then that means you don't either. And yes we all experience life differently and have different outlooks on it... and yes I know that I used "I" too much, but you know what? I was getting a point across to your head. Another thing is, how is he going to find strength wihtin himself if he cannot learn to accept failure? How is he going to find the strength within himself if he cannot cease to train his unhealthy heart for the terrible consequences of love? And I see it as well... you are not the only one. Let us stop this foolish rambling... we cannot tell him how to live anymore... we have to just let him decide things on his own for now... I'm sorry if I was annoying you Tiki 2.0... but I'm just as strong as you when it comes to strength in the soul, and mind. Offline Liquid Devil · Community Member · Thu Jul 14, 2005 @ 07:06pm


	sees all the arguing ...Hmph, Josh, talk to me if you're having problems. Offline Isaac Norwill · Community Member · Thu Jul 21, 2005 @ 04:03am


	i say life is a gift that keeps on giving wheather they are good gifts or bad there all gifts. Offline Hei DragonBlade · Community Member · Wed Jul 27, 2005 @ 11:02pm

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	User Comments: [11]

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