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I've been suffering endless Insomnia lately. I've been alone for two-three monthes now. No boyfriend, no need for one. I've found myself falling for the wrong guys and it's beginning to make me suffer. I found myself crying over an exboyfriend. All I can think about is how things were supposed to be. Every broken promise he made. "I promise not to break up with you. I promise no one will get in our way. I promise..." I let him take compelte control fo everything, and in the end, I became the worst sin I've made. I'm a monster inspite of the fact the real Tamika wouldn't have done the thigns I did.
Kyle was everything to me. I let him abuse me, take advantage of my vunerability, take a big part in my life, but for what? A broken heart and a bottle of alcohol. I started smoking and drinking again, ebcause of him. Things I stopped a long time ago. I feel sick everytime I eat. Like I'm not good enough to have someone that care about me the way I ask for.
Inspite of everything else, Lucas(a friend) has fallen( i guess) for me. My only downfall with him is he's in a gang. I'm jsut the innocent bystandarder that follows him. I'd end up being stuck as a gang bang slut and left wiht nohting but the pride a dignity of them for taking this advantage. I'm not one to complain though, either. Still, holdingon the my virginity, Lucas wants it like hell. He's made it clear that on Friday afternoon, after he gets home, I'm to meet his parents, and I'll be with him until he 8pm. a good 4 1/2 hours. I'm not too excited. If I have to shrug him off, I couldn't. He's much bigger than I. 6'4". Masculain. Kinda like a God figure, one I'd rather not meantion. He makes me feel so great around him. The comfortability. Everything. The only thing, I'm not his girlfriend. He refuses to ask me I guess. However, he's considering tranferring over to my school. I'm kinda lost at words for this because he's doing it on my will. Last night he said something quite disturbing to my conscience. I've spilled for him. My heart everything. I have no idea his, but this is what he so importantly had to say. "I know we don't talk or see each other much, but please don't stop feeling the way you do with me." And it's bugging me because I want to be with him, not just feel thoughtless, coldheart feelings that will never take flight... It's paranoia in the works.
In other words. I've lost more friends than ever. Just because I'm done trusting anyone. My greatest friend, or so I though, Re, betrayed my trust. The one thing I never wanted her to do. Like this song says, one I'd always dedicate towards her(Across Five Aprils - A Year From Now) "A promise is a broken promise unless it is forfilled." She told everyone something that cause memajor damage. My mom is ready to send me off to a religious school I don't even follow. She refuses to let me near my own sister. I'm not longer allowed to follow a religion. Because of Re's mistake and betrayel against me, I lost the one thing I'd die for. My sister.
Other than that, Ian seems distant again. He knows I love him very much. I hope that he realizes it before it's too late. Sheehan and Kier and Rena and Ross too. I'd hate to lose the people that mean the most to me. Those true friends that I'll die for.
And Ian got oversensitive because of Lucas handcuffing me. Which sucked because I didn't necessarily let him. He jsut did it while we were wrestling. Which I won. That time. On fatal means.
I found this notebook, a best friend of mine gave me for Christmas last year. It had these pictures in it, a sign that said "BFFL" but I couldn't take it. I walked it to the attic and left it alone in a corner, best to be forgotten, right?
I don't know. I'm gonna try to post some pictures of my friends in a journal entry. Just so you see my true aspects in life.
Until then, A bientot, mon amies.
 xPlayWithFirex · Wed Jan 09, 2008 @ 04:22pm · 0 Comments |
