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Im trying to find a good quote for a sig. so far i have tons and these are they

all of them are hilarious and i cant pick one sad the bold one are the ones i like the best

Okay i finally picked one, Love and Stoplights can be creul- sesame street but read them all anyway they r oober funny! biggrin
"The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but you still have to mow it."
- Anonymous
"He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous
"If I Promise to miss you ... Will you go away?"
- Anonymous
"Never be afraid to tell the world who you are."
- Anonymous
"Of course, Behaviourism "works". So does torture. Give me a no-nonsense, down-to-earth behaviourist, a few drugs, and simple electrical appliances, and in six months will have him reciting the Athanasian creed in public."
- W.H. Auden
"What is algebra exactly; is it those three-cornered things?"
- J.M. Barrie - British novelist and dramatist
"Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath."
- Dave Barry - "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
"I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes."
- Dave Barry
"Never moon a werewolf."
- Mike Binder"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people."
- Ed Bluestone
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. "
- Erma Bombeck
“History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon."
- Napoleon Bonaparte
"Personifiers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!"
- Bernadette Bosky
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
- Alison Boulter
"I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm the President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli."
- George Bush - US President 1990
"Know what I hate most? Rhetorical quesions"
- Henry N. Camp
"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
- Al Capone
"The problem with reality is the lack of background music"
- Jim CareyBR>
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
- George Carlin
"Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches every thing you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of 10 special things that he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time. But he loves you."
- George Carlin, Comedian, from his HBO special "You are all diseased"
"Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents."
- Billiam Coronel
"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it."
- Clarence Darrow
"Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat."
- Jim Davis - Garfield
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
- Ellen DeGeneres
"Tear open packet, unfold and use."
- Directions on moist towelette package
"I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. I think I saw God."
- B. Hathrume Duk
"Never judge a book by its movie."
- J.W. Eagen
"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
- English Professor, Providence College
"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number."
- James Estes
"I am the emperor, and I want dumplings."
- Ferdinand I - Emperor of Austria
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
- W.C. Fields
"How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?"
- Charles de Gaulle
"Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance."
- King George V
"The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made."
- Jean Giraudoux
"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth--even if it costs him his job."
- Samuel Goldwyn
"Cute little babies that fall out of swings - These are a few of my favourite things."
- Oscar Hammerstein, working lyric for a piece from "The Sound of Music"
“Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.”
- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts
"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. they're in front of you in the supermarket express lane."
- June Henderson
We need a president who's fluent in at least one language. "
- Buck Henry
"Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl yore mistakes."
- Baendan Hills
"I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there."
- Joel Hodgson
"Oh, to be seventy again!"
- Oliver Wendell Holmes JR - on his 87th birthday while watching a pretty girl
"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
- Blair Houghton
"In a disastrous fire in President Reagan's library, both books were destroyed. And the real tragedy is that he hadn't finished coloring one."
- Jonathan Hunt - New Zealand Politician
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b***h."
- Rich Jeni
"According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime."
- David Letterman
“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
- David Letterman
"Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call."
- Richard Lewis
"Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too."
- Lichty & Wagner
"The telephone company is urging people to *please* not use the telephone unless it is absolutely necessary in order to keep the lines open for emergency personnel. We'll be right back after this break to give away a pair of Phil Collins tickets to caller number 95."
- Los Angeles disc jockey, right after the February 1990 earthquake
"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police."
- Jeff Marder
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
- Groucho Marx
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
- Groucho Marx
"I never forget a face, but I'll make an exception in your case."
- Groucho Marx
"The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit."
- W. Somerset Maugham
"The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm."
- Travis McGee
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
- John Mendosa
"Policemen are numbered in case they get lost."
- Spike Milligan - British comic actor and author
"I love children especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away."
- Nancy Mitford
"I do not have to forgive my enemies, I have had them all shot."
- Ramon Maria Nanvaez - Spanish general and political leader - said on deathbed when a priest asked if he forgave his enemies.
"I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really do melt in your hand..."
- Peter Oakley
"Plaese porrf raed."
- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
"Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen."
- P. J. O'Rourke
"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."
- Peter O'Toole
"Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat."
- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."
- Dorothy Parker
"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks."
- Emo Philips
"If I like it, I say it's mine. If I don't I say it's a fake."
- Pablo Picasso - when asked how he knew which paintings were his.
"The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order."
- Brian Pickrell
"The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M."
- Charles Pierce
"Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder... and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn."
- N.V. Plyter
"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."
- Paula Poundstone
"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
- Terry Pratchett
"If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law."
- Roy Santoro
"Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored."
- George Saunders, dying words
"Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about."
- Philippe Schnoebelen
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. "
- Seen on a bumper sticker
"There are three types of people in this world: Those who can count, and those who can't."
- Mike Binder
"There's too much blood in my caffeine system."
- Seen on a bumper sticker
"Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter."
- Seen on a bumper sticker
"Love and stoplights can be cruel."
-Sesame Street, U.S. children's television show
"The nice thing about Windows is- It does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first."
- Sig of Arno Schaefer
"If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion."
- George Bernard Shaw
"There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it."
- George Bernard Shaw
"I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot."
- George Bernard Shaw
"The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper."
- Smith & Jones
"Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!"
- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature" wink
"If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it because I can't swim."
- Bob Stanfield
"The Saint's are the sinners that keep on trying."
- Robert Louis Stevenson
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
- August Strindberg
"Ninety percent of everything is crap."
- Theodore Sturgeon
"If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia."
- Thomas Szasz
"In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it."
- Dave Thomas
"Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?"
- James Thurber - Cartoon caption.
"After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you - not one of you - enter!"
- Arturo Toscanini - Rebuking an incompetant orchestra
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
- Harry S. Truman
"Nuclear war would really set back cable."
- Ted Turner
"Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we"."
- Mark Twain