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12.1.07:
As if I haven't been feeling shitty enough. Work kinda sucked. I kept hurting myself. I stabbed myself with a pencil, I walked into the cooler door handle, I slammed two of my fingers in the heavy door, and then I gave myself a paper cut on one of the fingers I slammed in the door. Yeah, not fun. Not to mention I had to get three shots yesterday, and now my arms are uber sore. Yeah, HPV, Menanchocal Menangitis, and Tetnis shots. Ewh. Urgh, then I got home and dyed my hair pink. It came out pretty shitty. Cause my hair is growing out, so all the roots
didn't dye. s**t sucks man. But whatever. It'll fade in like ... 2 days anyways. Either way, it looks like s**t. I have no idea what I'm going to do with it, but oh wells. After dyed my hair, I went over to Alaina's. It was me, Zeke, Jenni, Alaina, Ashlie, Rob, Pete, and Jess. That started off well; we played Uno, and just had a good time. Watched Old Gregg. Funny s**t. And then yeah. They all decided it would be fun to trade pants. As if I don't feel left out and weird enough in that group ... I had to be the odd, friggin' fat one out, who's pants no one would fit into, nevermind the fact that no one wants to see a fatass like me without pants on. Haha. But in all seriousness, it rather sucked. So, I kinda fell asleep. Had to stare at Zeke and Jenni. I'm happy that Zeke has a girlfriend now ... but I can't help but be jealous. I mean, friggin' everyone has someone now. 'Cept for me. I want someone ... but yeah that s**t'll probably never happen. I hate thinking like that, but when nothing ever happens, I can't help but to think like that. Smithy never came into work today. Maybe tomorrow? And that kid that apparently likes me from work ... yeah right. He hasn't come in in three weeks. He can't like me that much if he NEVER COMES IN. Whatever, I'll probably be alone foreeeever. That's cool, I guess. Dying alone. How fun. I'd rather not, but yeah. What happens happens, I guess. I've been really down lately. Dunno why. Normal s**t for me. I'm happy that Rob and Erika are together, but again; I can't help but be jealous. Friggin' ... why the hell am I always so frickin' jealous?! I really hate it, but I can't help it. Grrr. Sometimes, I just want to scream so loud that people all over my neighborhood run outside to see what the hell happened. I won't lie; I want attention. For once ... I'll admit it. I'm really tired of being ... just the friend. Or just Emily who ends up sitting alone while everyone else is happy having fun at the end of the night. I hate being the fatass who doesn't dance, who can't smile, who can't have fun because everyone else is ... it sucks, and I hate being like that. I try to be happy and cheerful, but it's just so friggin' hard when I'm really not. I'm tired of being ignored, put down. I was not happy when Bobby kept calling me a fat c**t and a dyke. I always act like that stuff doesn't bother me, and just agree with them ... but it's so goddamn hard. Because I don't want to think those things about myself, but in the end, I do. And it's imprinted in my head that I'm what they call me. I'm so friggin' insecure ... I don't like it. But again, I admit it; I just want attention. Positive attention from someone -- I want to know that they like me, and that they enjoy my company or think I'm pretty ... that's all I want. That's IT.
 biogenesis X · Sun Dec 02, 2007 @ 04:37am · 2 Comments |
