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People I hate (put your feet up and get comfortable):

Binge Drinkers ("Hey Let's Get Drunk It'll Be Great Oh My God I'm Soooo Drunk I Feel Soooo Awful I'm Never Doing This Again Oh My God I Was Soooo Drunk I Feel Soooo Awful I'm Never Doing That Again Hey let's Get Drunk...)

Jam Bands.

People with Lisps. Yeah, I ******** said it. I said it, I didn't thay it, I said it.

Anyone who has ever voluntarily and for any reason watched an entire fishing show.

Overly Smiley Middle-aged Chubby Women.

2 AM Rap Cranked Up Driving By My Window Guy.

People who shouldn't have a beard, and they should know it.

Ugly guys who get laid more than me.

Anyone whose deepest held belief is one they are entirely unqualified to hold:
"My religion, the only one I know anything about, and that just barely, is the one true faith."
"My country, the only one I've ever been to or have even a passing familiarity with, is the greatest country on Earth."
"The only show I watch or have heard of is the best show on TV."

People who leave gum on things. For starters, who the hell chews gum anymore? What is this, Archie comics in the early sixties or something? It's 2007; smoke crack, dammit!

Anyone who feels a deep-seated need to fit neatly into every conceivable negative stereotype about a group he or she belongs to (and for that reason, not any animosity towards the group).

Any overly insular group.

Anyone who manages to retain a startlingly, breathtakingly incorrect view despite being surrounded by overwhelming evidence that provides a constant reminder that they are wrong wrong wrongity wrong wrong wrong.

Anyone who shouts s**t at me while speeding by in a car.

People who equate booze with the one and only form of social interaction.

People who don't notice their surroundings:
People who never look around-people who walk into high-traffic areas wearing Ipods-people who do not understand the basics of traffic dynamics (For instance, not understanding that doorways are things people like to walk through, and that if you wish to find somewhere to remain for an extended period of time, maybe it should be somewhere where people aren't trying to get through).

Girls who dress in camisoles then complain about the cold AND are not hot.

People who say "Where you at" instead of "Where are you," which is the same number of syllables.

Anyone who really KNOWS wine, and is not either a vintner himself or is in fact Gerard Depardieu.

I don't have enough time to specifically hate every sports fan individually and by name, so I'll generalize. I hate you if you go to the big game...

...With more than 50% of your skin a color it shouldn't be.

...And drink more than a gallon of the cheap swill beer you could've drunk at home for a third as much.

...Where the broadcasters have a nickname for your costume.

...More than nine times a season.

...Planning to riot either way.

...Actually, seriously, giving a s**t.

Wife beaters. C'mon, guys, we both know that's a temporary fix at best.

People with Gambling Problems: Can't you just agree to give me most of your weekly paycheck on the condition that I tell you that one day I'll let you keep some of it?

People who go dirty before I do.

Girls who declare to one another, right in front of me, that all good-looking guys are gay.

People who don't read books.

People who don't watch TV.

People who don't play Video Games, but feel qualified to Rule/Legislate on them.

Poor people who vote Republican. Seriously, WTF.

Immigrant's children who oppose immigration.

Inbred troglodytes who oppose inter-racial marriages.

Norm ******** Coleman. God.

Some vegetarians.

Atheists who don't realize worshiping at the altar of one's own sense of smug self-satisfaction is a religion.

Anyone with an actual, honest-to-God ideology.

People who listen to contemporary country. And nothing else.

Potheads who don't know the three basic rules of courtesy to non-potheads:

-I know you love it, but the smell is, in fact, nasty. Make some damn popcorn, you're going to want it anyway.

-If it's not worth watching/listening not on pot, it's not worth it on pot. Watch Schindler's List or something.

-The essential feature of a stash is that at most time, it's supposed to be stashed. Don't just leave it lying around, gimme some plausible denyability over here, c'mon!

American Idol. If you've been on it, or even ever watched it or anything remotely like it, you belong on this list.

Charles Schultz. HAH! Didn't see that one coming, did you?

Leno's writers.

People who insist their hideous little baby/pet/skin deformity is cute, people who think their cat is funny.

Anyone who considers a reference a joke of itself.

TV Network Programmers, Daytime Talkshow Hosts, SUV Owners, Parents who dress their baby up in dumb outfits, Anne Geddes, Thomas Kincaid. The movie producer who makes the decision to add the monkey.