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Sorry about not updating Friday and Saturday.
And aparantly I can't update today. sad Sowwy, I really am.
If you don't mind me updating the next morning, then let's pretend I never said anything last night. <.< >.>
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I take no credit for this, I found it somewhere and it caught my attention. xd SO I felt like posting it.
The Complete and Utter Idiot's Guide to Making a Baloney & cheese sandwich
Hello. Welcome to The Complete and Utter Idiot's Guide to Making a
Baloney and Cheese Sandwich. Ready for Lunch? Good! Let's begin!
We're going to start our journey by assuming that you already possess
each of the individual items you'll be needing to make this sandwich.
It's a bit of a stretch, I know, but Lord knows we don't have time to
take you shopping.
So, that said, the first thing you're gonna need is a place to make
your sandwich. My suggestion would be a plate. So reach into your
cupboard and grab a plate. Any will do. No, that's a bowl. Plates are
flat. Right, yes, that's flat, but it's a cutting board. Plates are
going to be round. Yes the bowl is round, but it's not flat, is it?
Just.. Christ, forget it. Grab that cutting board you had in your
hands. Perfect. Put it down.
On the counter, not the floor.
Much better. Alright, you're ready to start. You need bread.
Personally, I prefer either wheat or sourdough, but you might prefer
white, rye, pumpernickel, a French roll...you're just staring at me.
What do you mean you don't have any bread like that? Like what? What
kind of bread do you have?
Wonder. Fine, it's pre-sliced.
Take out two slices of Wonder Bread. Two. More than one, less than
three. That's three. Put one back. Perfect. Place your two slices of
Wonder Bread on your cutting board. See how easy this is?
OK, you need some sandwich ingredients, open your refrigerator.
Your refrigerator. Big thing in your kitchen. Stores food. Yes, and
beer, too. That's the one.
Take out the cheese, the baloney, the mayo...you're giving me that
look again. Let's stop there. Cheese, baloney and mayo. Mayonnaise.
It's a sandwich spread. White. No, that's Miracle Whip. Yes, it's a
white sandwich spread but.. fine. Miracle Whip will do. Put it on the
counter next to the bread.
OK. Now we...where's the cheese and baloney? Didn't I just say... uhg!
Go back to the refrigerator and.. no, leave the Miracle Whip where it
is, just go back to the fridge and open it. Good. Grab the cheese. Any
kind will do. Oh Jesus, just pick one!
No, that's brie. It doesn't go well with baloney. What the Hell are
you doing with brie?
How about cheddar, do you have cheddar? It's probably orange. Yes!
That's cheddar! Bring it to the counter next to cutting board. Now go
back to the fridge. I'm sorry, are you getting dizzy? It can happen,
get used to it. Open the fridge again. You're looking for baloney. God
willing, it'll be pre-sliced. Baloney. It's meat. You're looking for a
package filled with slices of meat.
That's bacon.
Yes! That's the baloney! Very good! Now bring that over to the food.
No, we're done with the fridge, you'll just throw out whatever you
don't use, I can't bear to go through the fridge disaster again.
OK, now you're ready to start making a baloney and cheese sandwich.
Open the Miracle Whip. Open it. Twist the lid off of the jar. What do
you mean it won't come off? Twist the other direction. There ya go!
Now you need a knife.
Oh God.
You don't need a sharp knife, you just need a spreading knife. Dull.
Very dull. The duller the better. No! Not that! Put that down before
you kill someone! Try to find a knife without a wooden handle. No,
that has a wooden handle doesn't it? That probably means it's sharp.
Don't test it to see! Just put it down! Find a dull, regular, boring
knife!
OK. Perfect. That's a nice simple spreading knife. Dip it into the
Miracle Whip. Now lift it out of the Miracle Whip and spread it on the
slices of bread. Carefully. Not too hard, you'll tear the bread.
Harder than that. The knife has to at least touch the bread to leave
the spread.
There ya go. Now do the other slice of bread. Perfect! You're a
regular Julia Childs now!
She's a famous cook....nevermind.
Now your bread is spread. Quit giggling. You are going to place a
slice of baloney on one piece of bread. Open the package. No, this
package doesn't screw open. Just pull the back end away from the rest
of the package. See how it's opening up? Excellent. Take out a slice
of baloney. Place it on one of the slices of bread. No, you don't need
the knife for this.
Good! You're almost there! Now it's time to cut the cheese.
I said stop giggling.
The cheese is unopened? OK, don't panic. Take the dull knife.. the
other end, grab the other end of the knife! Slice the package of
cheese open. Just jam it in there and.. don't worry about hurting the
cheese! Just slice the damn thing open!
Very good, you're getting to be really good with the knife. Lord help
us all.
Now take the block of cheese out and lay it on the counter. Just lay
it on the counter, who cares if it's dirty! Like you're gonna be
living long at this rate anyway! OK. Again with the knife, cut
yourself a few slices of cheese. Thinner than that, you want more than
two slices out of your block. Thinner. Thinner. Thinner!
Just...measure with your pinky! Your pinky should be at least two
slices thick. What are you...DON'T SLICE YOUR PINKY!!! God!
You know what? Forget it! Throw the cheese away. Throw it away! You're
just having a baloney sandwich today, I can't deal with this. Don't
look at me like that, throw the cheese in the garbage!
Now pick up one slice of bread and put it down on the other. Miracle
Whip-side down. Well turn it over, you can't eat a sandwich with the
Miracle Whip side facing out!
Because I said so!!!
OK. Pick up the sandwich.
Congratulations! You've made a Baloney Sandwich! Dufus.
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Woo, fun, ne? And it wasn't even in red. xd
And with that said and done, I'd like to complain for the good of complaining:
I actually woke up this morning and got out of bed just to check to see if the letters were opened. O.o No... not yet. gonk They might be when I get home from school, though. XD Oh, the fantasy I live in...
Gee, I can't really complain if I try, can I? xd
 Leamony · Mon Oct 25, 2004 @ 06:30am · 3 Comments |
