Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

This Pulsing Void... Endless In Its Seeming

Saturday, October 13, 2007
9:26 P.M.

This room is idle, stagnant in it's feeling;
The air is thick, so slow is my heart in healing.
Lost within this void, I walk circles around this room;
Longing for something more, my thoughts ripped from the loom.

I'm dead to this plane, only grief does my mind utter;
To think: without you... my mind, it shudders.
To dream on this plane... its another form of existance.
Though fake it is in reality, for coming to you holds much resistance.

This room is dark, a dungeon where insanity is born;
Slow is the tone, for here the music is forlorn.
I am lost within my mind, no attendant at the door
To show me the way from hell... it seems as more than a chore.

Though over the mountain, I did see a light:
Far away, farther than what is now in sight.
Sitting here lonely, I feel as if a moment stuck within time.
This vacuum is empty all around, save the faint sound of a chime.

This sound echoes within my mind, I put my head to my knees crying.
Is this place hell? This is not the image in my mind while i was dying.
A hole forms under me, I float slowly down... surely to my burning fate;
For a light began to flicker, devouring the dark of which I hate.

I fall into a pool of water, a stone statue forms before my eyes.
I thought of it as a shrine, a sacred place where angels die.
Through the enscriptions upon it, I learned that I was anything but dead.
A heavenly figure appeared, and with a booming voice he so said:

"Though it may seem that this world is nothing but pain,
I advise you to lay your worries down, for in this there is no shame.
Simply embrace the pain within this life,
For no happiness comes without the balance between joy and strife."

And with this realization, the shrine began to glow.
All darkness left, and again, my thoughts, they did flow.
That endless void of which I did exist, of which succumbed my being
Has dissapeared, and now my life holds a meaning.

But what was that vacuum that was hell in its seeming?
All I can remember was the endless chime, that, when I think back...
... was more of a beating.


-- Trevor Panhorst



----------------------------------------------------------------------------



Not Even Sure What To Name It...

Sunday, September 23rd
1:18 A.M.

...and then the world stopped:
It stopped waiting for me.
I thought I knew everything...
Eh,... what a dream.
Is this love?
No, wait it's not.
Could that be love?
No harder could it be fought.

A dream of living,
A fear of dying,
A hope for freedom,
A world of sinning:
Is this what I am hoping for,
Is that what I've been fighting for?

I just want everything to be right,
I just want everyone to feel safe...
But such is only found in a dream -
A dream of which I speak of often.
An eternal theme in my life's poem...
This dream has become.

Such is mysterious...
The reason why this dream comes forth.
Such may seem monotonous,
But holds reason for being so thorough.

For I dream of you,
Not that you are even a person,
I dream of you often.
You are real to me, however:
As real as the dream itself.


-- Trevor Panhorst


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Silence: Ever So Calming

Monday, August 20th, 2007
5:08 A.M.

Sweeping death,
Gray as it clouds the sky.
Cloaking the moonlight,
There is no light:
Darkness fills the sky,
Save two glowing orbs
Coming closer,
Ever closer.

Under a sky silent as it is lightless,
The breeze thrusts against your chest
In a windless night:
It is beside you, behind you...
All around you.

The coupled orbs, the enormous force
Cyclones around you, draws you to your knees.
What weakness, lack of retaliation:
An aura of selfish pity surrounds your being.
Begging tears stream from your face:
"What is this, what are you..."
A silent plea.

One harbinger to meet no equal,
Swiftly coming, quickly leaving.
Shrowded within the night,
Howling with terror and might:
A remorseless seige,
A silent death.


- Trevor Panhorst


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


My Life, My Love.

Thursday, 8/16/2007
3:36 AM


I couldn't live through the cold tonight...
As I ran through the fields of my dreams of fright,
All I had hoped for, died for: destroyed.

If only I could have held you for just one night
Then all the life inside of me,
Or the lack of,
Would hold a meaning, a reason.

'Cause babe,
Without you,
Life just doesn't seem right.

You just don't understand what this does to me.
I'm the world to you?
You barely even speak to me:
I'm nothing to you.

And when I said lets just be friends,
I really meant this is ripping me apart;
You're so distant:
Perfection, hidden.

I know you're likely over me,
Likely forget about me easily,
But you...
You're on every level of my mind,
You're in my dreams, in my heart.
You're the faint clouds in the night's sky.
You are the tears of my night's eye.

But hell, maybe one day it'll all be gone...
The blood, you are, within my veins.
Maybe soon, maybe soon...
The light, you are, that guides the way...
All of this - it seems to be fading.
The life, you are, inside of me...
Is withering away..

Yet, in reality, we're almost on the same level...
The only little difference is...
When I said you were everything that kept me moving,
I didn't mean, "You are my life...
Well, at least while I'm in the mood."
I meant, "You are my life, and everything that keeps me moving."



- Trevor Panhorst



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Is This Letting Go?

10:40 PM
Sunday April 15th, 2007

I'm gonna leave this blatently obvious
That I have no need to reminisce
Over how or why our love died.

The storm is over, and I am clean.
You're not going to suck me back in to
Your tornado of so-called love.

This is my rationalization.
There are better girls out there,
Or at least ones easier to get along with.

So here this and understand completely:
I didn't need you anyway.

Aside from the mental torture,
And aside from the fact that
I tell myself I don't love you anymore,
I still dream of you and me…
Well, at least the though of 'you and me.'

.
.

******** psychology. Maybe this isn't rationalization.
More like "I can't get the hell over you."
More like "Why did I say what I said to you?"

I think I missed you a little too much.
Maybe you never even loved me at all [or enough]
(Yeah, that's what it seemed like to me).

So if you read this,
Don't get mad, and don't feel sad…
Because I blame it upon myself.

See, I have a horrible
Flaw within my personality.
It's called attachment,
And it destroys my sense of stability.

No matter what I've ever said,
I will always love you,
For, as I've stated before. ~
You were my definition of Beauty;
You were my calm within the storm.


-- Trevor Panhorst