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The title describes it all....i ocassionally turn on the television to lose my thought. I guess it's time to have an explanation? If anybody actually reads this of course..

So many thoughts fly through my head...i just can't take it. So many words flying in and out.....so many ways I've heard to "live life"...expectations for myself that I want to fulfill....dreams floating and impatience to strive for more....

I just want to "fly away" ....."fly away" very badly..

So....shall is start my um....."story" from the beginning....?

so.. let's see...

the week mom got sick, then our whole family got sick was shocking....it was a trial period for our uh...'stability' of the family...sure it passed, but mom decided to sell the house. She is stressed from work, worried that they may fire her.....which i doubt. But, she isn't happy from it, wants to take vacation. I've been pressuring her of what we're going to do afterwards.....many options...but the main ones are:

1) We leave to Philippines to stay in Tita (Aunt in tagalog) Laine's house and stay in the room...

-extention: me an Julius [lil bro] stay there, and mom goes back to America and gets a job to support us and we go to private school w/ cousins [like international school....has english, so, all good...just worried bout lil bro & transition leaving friends and big house and such....

2) We stay here in Tito (uncle in tagalog) Nixon's house in a room.

extention: iono...lol....everything's the same except blah...lol...stay at deer valley

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i think....yeah.....i want to try extention "1".....to 'fly away' from here, and leave my problems in the dust, and start the new life i've always wanted.

and then again...i'll miss all the close friends, experiences behind...but in my memories shall stay.. to a point, which i hope i don't lose them all....but still...gamble all for new life?

i'll have to come back to America anyway, to keep my citizenship....hahaha. and iono....Airforce or do something? iono...it's so fuzzy my future. I always think of the future than the present. The present, ******** it. lol. It's easy full of easy teachers....

but next year in deer valley, it should be harder...but i want something new...but iono...it's a battle 50% on each side....

1)go away and have a new life, experience it with new people, get to know family better and philippines and how they live more....

extention: i also have to cut my hair and wear uniform....haha...i don't mind..it's different, finally, i don't have to nit-pik what i have to wear...and i don't have to like....move my hair to the side...lol..or be ridiculed by my family of looking like a "girl" ... (some like my long hair better, i know i do razz ..that's my individuality..even if most asians have that....haha)

2)stay and keep my friends and live it to the end....happy....or...iono...

extention: make more memories, keep hair and maybe get new clothes....

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Parental units (Family....uncle.....mom.....great aunt)... influencing to stay. lol. they're like "you'll like it there"..... "girls will be chasing you" ... "i have a brother that can get you your liscence"....hahaha. it sounds like their sending me there to party instead of study... P:

i'm still concered about my classes and credits...it's like..i just started Japanese...do they have that there? What are the requirementes? how many students in the school? They said there's karate and stuff...but yeah...also must obey Aunt and stuff......bleh...no prob.... but iono...so many questions....so anxious to get there to see for myself....

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anyway..i'll miss my friends like hell if i go. as soon as i get on that flight to Philippines....i don't know if I'm coming back or not. We are already in the process of cleaning the house. They got the downstairs living rooms...sold stuff...like all the couches and tables....

So, i'll be brining few clothes...pictures...and such..everything else must go....we have nowhere else to put them unless a few boxes in someone's house..

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I feel glad that our family is taking care of us now....because my mom has been taking care of them endlessly, and she deserves to be taken care of now. I wish my friends could do that. I care for them endlessly, making sure little things and fights go away and that their happy P: ....close friends I try to share every ounce of sorrow with...and they do the same with me...i just wish...iono... my friends were to take care of me now as I've at least tried to do for them?

But...I haven't been hanging out with them...i just come home, eat, sleep, homework (if any), then sleep some more....television and music are all i have. Mostly Music.....not really the internet. The laptop's acting up...and lots of stuff need to be replaced in it....and yeah...I want new Sony Vaio 3.2GHz 80GB hard drive, 1GB DDR ....and that s**t...15" screen....lol..and an ipod photo to this stereo i have to get rid of also.....

and of course...a digital camera to take hella pictures for this year and a bunch of yearbook signatures that are meaningful smile ....i lost freshman yearbook....and i don't want to lose this one. If it just so happens to be my last year...it'll be all of Deer Valley I'll have left...becuase I'm not good at keeping touch, all I can do is write journal entries if possible.....so yeah...and I'll bet i'll lose touch with people...so bleh...

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I feel selfish...lol. I just don't know what to do...being bored.....rejecting invitations to few things.....forgetting stuff......I just wish I could make it up to people....but I can't....

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My hopes and dreams .....I always wanted to fulfill them...'perfect life'. The healthy lean body, average to good enough grades...some sport to be committed to...and somebody to love or spend time with...

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I don't know which road to turn....i feel like I've lost faith in God (yeah...religion is a part of my life somewhat...I"m trying to make it so...since my family has been there and have had religion part of theirs...)

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Somebody please help....anybody....lol.....all i can say...except for every year I learn something new....i feel something different from what i used to feel about it...and that each year seems to start going faster and faster....no more fun is present...and the only childhood i've had was staying at home....

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I'm still thinking of myself! damnit....lol...i just hope everyone else's life is fine....i mean....there's always someone better than me....there's always somebody worse of than me...and there's someone like me who i can share my life with....

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I think that's all....bleh...lol....i want ipod photo...hahaha.

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um....i guess that's all......i guess i can say i actually had friends this year to have fun with....but never got the chance to.....

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2 months till we leave.....don't know when we sell the house? Around July or end of July we're selling...leaving for Philippines in like August....

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I'll miss all my family (friends....and my family i got to learn and live with)...and such...but I still need something more....

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<3 Sunday 6/5/05 12:40am