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It's a catastrophic success.

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
- Stephen Bishop

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- Mark Twain

this one just killed me as I'ma musical person XD

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
- Billy Wilder
(note: Van Gogh cut his ear off, so he was deaf)

Mark Twain
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

Authors unknown:
I’m smiling. This should scare you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

“Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.”

Benjamin Franklin:
There never was a good war or a bad peace.

Black humore:

"If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"

"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4

"That's the remarkable thing about life. No matter how bad it gets it can always get worse."

Calvin

"Don't close your eyes for the crash; you'll miss the best part"

Bruce MacInnes, Skip Barber
Driving School instructor

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
Hunter McGirt

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
F. P. Jones

"Life Sucks", definition of "Alcohol"

Solution to 2 of the worlds major problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry...

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth -- that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally -- but I didn't want to upset him.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Steven Wright

"This is not a court of Justice, young man, it is a court of Law!"

Oliver Holmes Jr., U.S. Supreme Court Justice

Smile. Tomorrow's going to be worse.

Frost

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere is the fact that none of it has tried to contact us.

Calvin & Hobbes

Try to explain Hitler to a kid.

George Carlin

O.o creepy, but true...
Evil spelled backward is live