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August 9, 2007
I ended up staying up all night again last night. Kaz made me feel pretty awful with the whole Rumble Fighter thing. He just agrees with people when they say bad things about me. I know I said I wouldn't write bad things about him, and I'm not trying to, but I don't know what else to say about it, except that it just makes me feel really bad when he acts this way in front of people, and nothing I say makes him stop. I think it is the only real problem I have with him. Him not standing up for me. He is the sweetest guy when it is just me and him. In real life he is wonderful. But when someone says something online about me that isn't nice he never stands up for me, and it really hurts. I feel like I am not good enough for him. Like maybe if I was good enough, he would stand up for me. I feel like it is my fault but I don't know what to do. I think mostly everything else about him is okay. Like I can put up with the other little things about him that bug me, and there's lots of good things about him. It's just that one thing of not ever standing up for me that bothers me and I don't know how to get it across to him. Gabe called me again last night so I felt a little better talking to him, and when he got off I talked to Kaz and that was alright, even though I still felt sad about the whole thing. This morning I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep and I remembered Kaz saying he was going to have to go to his college so I texted him to see if he was awake and he called me and we talked for a little bit, I guess his phone messed up or something. I was really tired and kept falling asleep and waking up, and he called me again later and but I couldn't hear him or something, and I kept sort of falling asleep anyway so I think he finally hung up. But it was really nice. Just talking to him on the phone again. Even if I was really tired, I really like talking to him. And by the time I woke up again this afternoon, he was home and online. But then he got in this really bad mood, because the college had been closed and he'd had to go to work with his dad and Bryan was making him edit some image and I don't even know what else. It felt like he was mad at me but he said it wasn't. I feel guilty when he starts getting angry though because it feels like he is angry at me. But at least I had some other people to talk to also. My friend Michelle finally got internet at her house. This is great! First Nebby, and now her, they finally both have computers and can get online. Anyway, we've been trying to plan a time when me and Jamie can go over to Michelle's to swim in the pool near her house. Jamie is always so busy so that's not real easy. I tried calling her but she was asleep. She got online later though so I talked to her about it but there's still no definite plans yet. I wish it was easier to plan things with Jamie but it's always complicated with her. Kaz is on Rumble Fighter now, which figures. After last night I don't feel like going on there at all. That game has pretty much lost it's fun. And Kaz made it pretty clear he doesn't really like playing with me, and the only reason I play it is to have another thing to do with him, because it's hard to find things to do for one thing, let alone things Kaz likes to do to begin with. So he's on there and I'm doing nothing. Just being horribly bored and lonely.
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