Ever feel like you need to do somthing? Ever feel like somthing just is compelling you and you listen, even though you know how the consequences will affect you? Well, i've experienced this lately. I'm not really sure what to make of it. I thought i could leave thoughts like these behind, and i did. I was actually able to, and i felt better because of it. I felt headstrong and powerful, frankly i felt better than everyone else for a short period of time. It was me, Rens, queen of the world, able to talk back and counter anything that was shot at me. No more was i weak, pitiful and backless. However, this started to fade. I keep rethinking my descision, checking back. Of course, its just out of curiosity. But is it truely? I kind of have this empty space inside where it once filled. Sure, other things have grown to fill that spot, but the boundries are still clearly visible, as much as i try to hide it and laugh it off. Those little voices wont stop, from both sides. Sure, in some aspects ive moved on, i still am connected with certain parts, so its somehwat fine. But there is somthing missing, and i know what it is, but i dont know what to do about it.
On another note, equally as depressing, have you ever felt torn? This will be really embarassing to say because its publicly visible but:
By torn, i mean between two people. One one hand you were friends with one person. You hung out a lot, and became quite good pals last year. Then summer comes to a close and school, rolls around. Now, the person is a complete and total jerk. That person even admits it to you when you come up with the guts to ask them. They say that, well, "school changes them." it's not their fault they act like a jerk around their good friends at school. But, "you know that i'm a nice person, remember last year? I'm always a great person one on one." And you remember it, so vidily in fact. Hanging out, friendly feelings towards eachother. Basically having a blast. Now, whenever you two confront eachother its with sarcasm and cynical, rude remarks. Of course, the person is only kidding, only playful. You know that, dont you? Of course you do, but then why do they continue to do that? Why cant it be like it was before? Why cant the person act around you like around other people? To make it even worse, everytime you look at the person, you are overcome with, well, i'm not really sure. Physical attraction? Obviously put-downs wont make you attracted to their personality. But for some reason you cant explain you continue to glance over at that person in class, and you just want to run up and hug them. Or you just want to run up and smash a book over their head....
On the other hand you have possibly one of the nicest sweetest people ever. Like a beacon through the fog, or the gold at the end of the rainbow. They are your anchor that keeps you from drifting out to sea. Sounds grand, doesnt it? Well, it is. But there are so many complications.....One including your unwanted attraction to the jerk, but oh so loveable jerk, over there. You know what you want to happen, you know how you want it all to turn out. But so many things pop up blocking your path, making your route even harder than it already is. Some are petty, like a few stones on a dirt path. Other seem like chains of snow-capped peaks or endless stretches of forest. Where is the other side? No idea. All i know is that as much as you wish for somthing to come true, things change...
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