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Last month: Kill yourself! It's trendy!
sweatdrop So trendy to be suicidal, and yet, I'm going near there again. I just spent a good hour lurking around the internet, not really paying attention to it, making myself not try and find out what taking all the pills in my dorm will do. Damn me for already taking all the caffeine pills. Nine huge caffeine pills and sixteen little sleeping pills. That might have been something interesting. About the only thing I've been holding on to is that most of what I'm depressed over is my mother's and brother's safety, and there's no point in dieing when that would prevent me from protecting them. But Mom's damned speech about how my problems are putting extra stress on her and that's not fair really makes me want to just forget her all together. That, and a load of other s**t. I'm meeting with the university counselor again today. I say now that I'm going to discuss how the things holding me back from suicide aren't really working anymore, how I feel guilty for telling my mom about my problems and how I've always felt guilty about complaining about anything, what my mom said about mothers of homosexuals being controlling and all my issues with that area, and . . . stopped to brush something off my shirt and lost my train of thought completely. Oh, not fitting in anywhere and having very little self-confidence. In reality, I'm probably going to let her lead the discussion and not even mention my problems. So much for getting help. Gods I want to play Diablo right now, but I just don't feel like it. I want to take the few pain pills I have left, but I'm not really in any pain right now, except for a headache. I've been "crying" since this morning. That means my eyes are watery and my nose is stuffy, but I roughly wipe the tears away and do my best not to let anything come out. That gives me a headache. Also preventing me from slapping myself, hitting myself with a heavy book, or finding a safety pin and cutting some unnoticable area. You know, my parents still don't know that I tried to kill myself twice when I was 13 or 14. It pisses me off when people say that people cut or attempt suicide to get attention. Yeah, maybe some do. But I did my best to hide it all, and I never got any attention for it. I never wanted any. But it makes me reluctant to tell even a therapist about it, because I fear she'll say or think that I'm just doing it for attention. I do s**t for attention. I don't like attention. But then, that's always been my problem. Here there are people who'll say I'm just doing something to be trendy or fit it, and I'm not, but the fact that people will say that makes me just avoid people. Maybe I'm just too sensitive and paranoid. I wish I was 21 and had alcohol, or I wish I was at home. No, I don't. Me being home now would mean I failed again, which is apparently all I'm good at. I want to tell the therapist this, but I probably won't. Because I'm not really suicidal, I'm just doing it to get attention. I just want to hurt myself to get attention, too. I'm everything I am to get attention and to be trendy. I'm confused and lazy. And I still don't feel like playing Diablo. I feel like banging my head against a wall. Literally. I don't think I'll be eating today. Actually, there is one thing I'd like to do as a non-lethal way of escaping my problems and getting a break. I want to break a leg. I don't know how to do that accidentally on purpose, though. I'm not going to. But I want to. I really ought to tell the counselor all this. But, yeah, probably won't. Eh, or maybe I'll just print this out or something. That would be easier. I wouldn't have to remember it all and it's easier to give someone a piece of paper than to try to say things. I'm not really very good at verbal communication. Ok, well, I don't think I have anything else to say. Maybe I'll dress up today. Maybe not. Hwyl.
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Community Member
*huggles you* Just don't do it! It doesn't solve anything! Don't get hurt! Please... It'll just mentally effect you... Please... Don't do anything... Just fight through it... Please... Things will pass... Just don't hurt yourself...