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You know what? I sometimes hate it that I don't have a vicious, mean, or malicious bone in my body, or one nasty enough to block people who have hurt me deeply off of my AIM lists. You know why? My ex, Matt (from Willamette, no less) is IMing me as I type this.
It's not half bad, being friends. We did a lot together... but in the end, he hurt me just like every other man I let into my life *aside from my Daddy, of course*.
Why else do you think I've vowed not to have a serious boyfriend though my long, lonely years through college? Because I know that even with the promise of a wonderful relationship and companionship, you will get hurt in the end.
Though... such songs like a few of my favorites all make me extremely morose because all they talk about is the hope and happiness of a relationship. s**t. I need to find new music...
True AIM S/Ns masked.
Matt: yeah
Matt: I probably have higher standards than most
Matt: I guess most people find it easy to accomodate a bunch of casual friendships
Matt: I like a few solid ones
Matt: but I have trouble opening up, and a few times, I
Matt: ve pulled back and hurt people
Aquafire: I don't care much for casual relationships all that much.
Matt: yeah'
Matt: like, I have friends whom Ill talk to, but I realize I cant fully relate to them
Matt: and even the ones I can, I sometimes lash out at
Matt: close up
Matt: Im coming more to the realization that its all about communication
Matt: the reason we are sad (in most cases) is because of lack of communication
Matt: people's motivations are suspicious to other people, because they dont understand them
Aquafire: Sadness is arbitraty though, isn't it?
Matt: I suppose
Matt: but I think that a lack of empathy is in general responsible for the worlds problems
Aquafire: Most people lack that.
Matt: yeah
Matt: and I have it, but only one wy
Matt: like, I can take in somebody elses emotions-in fact I get the most worked up about them
Matt: but I analyze my own motivations and theirs way to much for the reverse to happen
Matt: as a result, I end up pent up and somewhat withdrawn
Matt: regardless of my intentions
Matt: I wonder why that is
Aquafire: Your personality perhaps. I've never known you to be a very open person.
Matt: yeah
Matt: I wish I were
Matt: I could have avoided lots of emotional ******** up
Aquafire: Perhaps. I wouldn't know how you've ******** up emotionally. *shrug*
Matt: Are you serious or being ironic
Aquafire: Seriously!
Aquafire: Why would I be sarcastic?
Matt: I dont know
Matt: I feel like ive done my fair share of ******** up where you're concerned
Aquafire: It's in the past. I get over it. End of story.
Matt: im still sorry
Aquafire: As I said. I get over it. It's not nice to dwell on the past anyway.
Matt: yeah, but i do
Matt: so much
Matt: can't help it
Aquafire: It's a part of your personality. Perhaps that's why it hurt me later, even when I loved you.
I admit it. I used to love him. But now?... peh. I'm amazed he even remembered my AIM s/n, much less put me in his list of people he would die to protect.
I don't think I can grant him that same privilege. He didn't kill me once. He killed me twice. I don't forgive and leave the chance for the third time.
Altruism is her strength
Questions are her life
Underneath the watch of Joey-chan
Always smiling.
Familiar with her roles on Gaia
In the ranks of honored institutions
Reasons to care about others, to her, are
Everywhere.
 Aquafire · Tue Oct 12, 2004 @ 09:23am · 1 Comments |
