• it begins with many things
    a statement
    a falling tower
    a twisted shell
    a twofaced snake
    it is that
    that destructs me
    from proud
    from loud
    to out of bound
    they-they-they-they d-d-d-didn't mmmmmean to
    d-do that
    did they?

    breathe please tell them what's wrong
    tell them in any way, even a song

    i-i-i-i'm so-so-sorry-y
    and then and then and then and-and-and
    i'll malfunction like the broken computer i always was
    degrading by the hour
    losing my battery power
    constantly plugged into the draining elixir
    that keeps me alive and kills me at the same exact time
    my living circumstances

    "who is it?"

    the questions
    they-they-they f-fly-y at me s-so f-fas-t
    i-i-i-i'm t-TRYing t-to sp-speak

    "tell me who it is."

    b-but-but i-i-i-i c-cAN'T
    forcing out every word
    like the recorded call of a bird

    but then
    i feel
    the reassuring hug
    the comfort of a dome of human arms above my head
    i enjoy the touch
    it is warm and cradling and promises protection
    and understanding
    and the soft rubbing of the tall brother dan's large hand against my back grounds me
    inexplicably, unimaginably
    and the world zones in a little bit more and i can speak better
    and i say to him the name which hurt me so bad

    "i had a feeling"

    and the look in the jade green tinged with hazel green around the pupil eyes of my brother
    alert
    attentive
    listening
    interested
    wholehearted
    concerned
    serious
    but his eyes are bright

    and i come back slowly but surely
    shaking, crying, vocal chords a little hoarse
    and i
    go to
    the freshman guidance office.

    and i relive it easier all over again.

    "i'm definitely going to be sorting that out."

    "things will get better now."