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"World's still the same. There's just less in it."
Captain Jack Sparrow

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
Fred Allen

"California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange."
Fred Allen

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
Woody Allen

"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
Woody Allen

"O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet."
Saint Augustine

"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well."
Robert Benchley

"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing."
Robert Benchley

"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
Yogi Berra

"I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more."
James Brown

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
George Burns

"Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children."
Samuel Butler

"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home."
Bill Cosby

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."
Bill Cosby

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
Rodney Dangerfield

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
Albert Einstein

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally."
W. C. Fields

"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
W. C. Fields

"I like children - fried."
W. C. Fields

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
Mitch Hedberg

"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid."
Hedy Lamarr

"Food is an important part of a balanced diet."
Fran Lebowitz

"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."
Groucho Marx

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."
Groucho Marx

"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."
Spike Milligan

"We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect."
Alanis Morissette

"Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected."
Robert Orben

"Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get."
Robert Orben

"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it."
Laurence J. Peter

"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three."
Laurence J. Peter

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
Joan Rivers

"I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time."
Charles M. Schulz

"Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food."
George Bernard Shaw

"We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience."
George Bernard Shaw

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Brooke Shields

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
Lily Tomlin

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please."
Mark Twain

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
Mark Twain

"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before."
Mae West

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
Steven Wright

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
Steven Wright