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Bad/sad/good/depressing..... |
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A really bad day! My grandparents are moving away tommorrow, so we had to go load all of their stuff into a Budget rental truck. Ray helped out alot! But, when we took him home, I went upto his house to apologize to his mom about keeping him for so long. His mom was extremely mad at him for not staying home to help her in the first place. She was screaming at him, and we {me and him} were standing in the door way. I felt really bad, like it was my fault for keeping him, for taking him to help in the first place. She scolded him for about ten, maybe fifteen minutes, every so often stopping to say this wasn't my fault and she wasn't directing any of it at me. I still feel bad about it.
He was really nice to me today, nicer than he had been since we broke up. I was feeling really down all day, because I don't want my grandparents to leave, and because being around him made me think alot. I thought alot about losing him... and he started picking on me, mostly short jokes. I said someting about him losing the right to pick on me like that. Well later on we were working on something, and I reminded him to save a spot in the truck for me to sit, well he gave me this really.... odd look and said that I lost the right to underestemate him. I never lost anything... because I never had him, obviously. He didn't love me, at least not the way I did him. But now he will be happy, happy with Mallory, or anyone else. It doesn't matter, he's happpy.
I haven't let it show until now, I haven't hinted as to how torn apart I really am. I fell to pieces in the truck on the way home from Ray's house. Seeing how his mom was treating him, it kinda triggered this catastrophic meltdaown for me. It sorta lined all the things up, and reality hit me, things have gone to hell.
I almost started crying right then, standing in the doorway listening to her rant. Maybe Ray noticed that, because he clutched on to my shoulder. Maybe to steady me, maybe in search of support.
I still want to cry, and maybe I will, just to get it out of my system. I want to cry for him, because I know he won't. I want to cry for everything. All of the losses I've suffered: My grandparents, my sole supporters, myfriends, and the only person that ever really mattered to me.
So now I'll cry. I know it won't change anything, or even make me feel better. But I WANT to cry. I want to show that I hurt for a change, instead of hiding it.
 [Aku~Soku~Zan] · Sat Apr 21, 2007 @ 02:43am · 3 Comments |
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![[Aku~Soku~Zan]](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/fa/95/14cfa61c2d95fa.png?t=1254619804_6.00_00 "[Aku~Soku~Zan]")