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i hate life. everything about it. this pathetic, weak, loser who i wouldnt look up to even if she was the last person on earth, has made my life hell from the start. when i was only three or four she hauled me up the stairs and threw me into my room screaming at me that she hated me, shed kill me some day, and everything was my fault.
her excuse: "i was young"
come on. does she seriously expect me to forgive her? id laugh if she did. she cant help but make my life miserable. god bless the day i sue her for ruining my life and being the worst parent on this planet. maybe some day when i sue all of her life savings from her and shes on the streets watching me laugh at her itll finally sink in. not ONE month of my life did i ever go through without being scolded, beaten, argued with, intimidated or made to feel insignificant and weak. im NOT weak. and ill prove it to her some day by ruining her life. i WONT pay for her when shes in the nursing home. i WONT go to visit her. i WILL go to her funeral in a red dress. i WILL send her cards telling her how much she ruined my life. i might even send cards with my blood splattered all over them, just to make her suffer more.
she still doesnt understand. maybe itll never sink in that its all HER fault in the first place that i reacted the way i did to that little incident when i was little. maybe itll never sink in that its all HER fault i hate her so much. maybe itll never sink in that its HER fault i humiliate her in public on purpose. and maybe itll never sink in that its HER fault the last words shell ever hear from me wont be spoken gently, but screamed at her while i hold her head back by her hair and shed tears on her pathetic face.
i dount it ever WILL sink in. not with my luck. shell NEVER get it. thats what screws me up the most. its all HER fault and always HAS been. its all her fault i slit my wrists and drink my own blood just for that short moment of happiness, its all her fault i turned out so odd i never even fitted in at school, its all her fault i never learnt how to swim, its all her fault i never want to become a mother, its all her fault i never had a good male role model, its all her fault i hate adults with every ounce of my being.
i admire orphans because of her. their so lucky they dont have parents ******** up their lives trying to run how they act and what they do. their lucky they have the freedom of not having someone suffocating them. they dont realise the kind of envy they get.
writing will never be enough. some day ill be able to cut off my ties to her and everybody else completely and NO-ONE will EVER tell me i cant and i have to deal with it. sometimes the only thing one can do is run. thats exactly what ill do. ill move away. out of this country. as far away from here as possible. and ill be happy there. no more suffering. i doubt anyone will comment on this entry with words of pitty. no-one ever does. why am i complaining? i dont need anybodys ******** pitty anyway.
 FSlayerX · Sun Feb 11, 2007 @ 01:34am · 2 Comments |
