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I don't get whats wrong with me right now, I feel like every little thing is pissing me off. At the same time I feel like my insides are about to fall in on myself and entire a deep sorrow. I want to cry but I know that won't help me.I will most likely delete this after I am done but it might I don't know.
I don't know IF this is my friend that was just over or my own self hate kicking in. But I am mad at the world. I might just be mad her cause every time I see her my heart skips a beat and it takes all my will power not to stair at her. I know she does not like me to the level I like her but she is the only thing I ever really think about. Damin I am shacking while I Write this stuiped journal. I wish she would let me into her life so I could understand her better and find out what makes her tick deep down. Is it wrong to only think of one person, I wish my english class was still one so I could have at least one classs with her. The wrost thing is I mightbe leaveing for the army at the end of this school year and don't know when I will be able to see her again and that just ripps me up inside. But what choise do I really have, I don't have the grades to do anything else besides work my a** off in hard labour. If I could I would stay here in this town and help her live her life, Even if it is just as friend I want her to be happy more then any thing. She does not know any of this, all she knows is that I like her. Damin I am losseing sleep over this, I am falling asleep early morning cause she is on my mind so much. I don't know if this is love or something else but I do know it's driving me totaly insane at the very fiber of my body, honestly I want to spill my guts to her and let her know everything. But I am so scared that if she knew how much I want to care for her she would Hate me or avoide me all together, that would hurt more then any rejection ever could. I want to ask her to go to grad with me but I ahve no gut once so ever. God being so near to her hurts more then any pain I have ever felt.
God damin I know she could read this if she wanted, but No one ever reads my journals. Maybe I should e-mail this to her after I am done cause that would finish it then and there. Really I hope she does read this, Really I Don't know if she is as good at reading me as she thinks.
Worst of all I am a very jelious person at heart, I almost hate someone we know online casue she gives him affection when she does not even know him or has even seen him, and I am standing right here wanting to give her my very soul and I get nothing...
God I hate ranting like this, I swear this is going to get under my skin for a very long time.