|
Once again I find myself thinking about my emotions and feelings and what in fact I even think about. I must admit I must actually write to keep my mind form over flowing. I heard a song yesterday that stuck me hard in the heart. Its called "My Valentine" By Martina Mcbride
If there were no words
No way to speak
I would still hear you
If there were no tears
No way to feel inside
I'd still feel for you
And even if the sun refuse to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart
Until the end of time
You're all i need
My love, my valentine
All of my life
I have been waiting for
All you give to me
You've opened my eyes
And showed me how to love unselfishly
I've dreamed of this a thousand times before
In my dreams i couldnt love you more
I will give you my heart
Until the end of time
You're all i need
My love, my valentine
La da da
Da da da da
And even if the sun refuse to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart
Until the end of time
Cuz all i need
Is you, my valentine
You're all i need
My love, my valentine
When has a moment come when I have not thought of love, Peace, contentment and romance? Everything I do i believe is for naught. Here's a few things oging on in my life right now....
1. Shanna is goign on a date saterday and honestly im a bit worried, which i wouldn't tell her straight up. I want to see her happy, yet, at the same time i do not trust this guy....i will not put in all the information but all i can say is i have a hard time understanding why a senior wants to date a sophmore..I dunno amybe im just paranoid, Best keep my mouth shut because eventually it will get in the way, and thus i will throw what i feel in the dirt and let shanna do what she wants to do. "Best way to get it right, is to get it wrong first." A recent quote that i belvieve has some possitive effect.
2. Memories of Rachel and I are begining to flow back. I have a gap in my heart that cannot seem to be filled. When i listened to this song I began getting hit over and over. Flash back after flashback. I do honeslty miss her. If she were to just... *sigh* ******** it, these are only shattered memories of a false hope left to be shattered again and again. I will not waste my contemplations on her.
3. I have recently become the "home away from home" I am sad... honestly.. I want to cry for my friends.. Chris...and Mike... I love them both like the closest brothers in the world. and here they lay, sleeping at 6:15 AM on my HUGE bed. They only find rest in dreams... THeir familys hat ethem, they harbor so much hate in return. They only want to be loved... Mike.... would love to have his mother love him in return. His brother, Ryan, tells him every day to die. His sister is walways telling him he's useless and no help to the family. and his mother wont leave him alone or trust him. He turns to me for support. Kayla and I are the only ones keeping him saine. silent tears crawl down my face as i think of how bad they have it...I must say once again, they will prolly never know how much i love them. Chris and Mike both. Chris is a tragic story. there is too much to write for him... All i know is that why does His own cousin hat ehim so much? She calims to be one with god. How can somone so hateful to somone, so stereotipical be close to god? She's still blind.... Maybe one day... she'll be on the ground.. and cant get any lower.. maybe then she will have sight. Until then...I see no hope for her.
My heart aches... Im going to say whats on my mind right now... I am not faithful.. i am not loyal.. i am not dedicated.. How can my heart be be torn so much through just one song? The first hti is Rachel... Of hwo I used to love her SO much... nothing ANYONE said would get to me and i gave her ALL my faith time and heart...I miss those times where i would hold her in my arms... My tears have begun to run faster...I miss the little "games" we'de play as an exuse to give each other a quick kiss and tell each other we loved each other.... so many problems... I miss rachel.....
The next slam to my chest is Shanna. I have done so much to her.. I have given her hope.. t han taken it away..... I...do not love her like i thought i did... It wrenches at my heart to say it.. but if i really loved her i wouldnt be doing these things to her...plus... she is moving on.. and id rather fel this pain than feel the worse pain of her telling me she doesnt love me anymore, or cant.. Best start the initiative. Memories come at me of the countless hours we spent on the phone.. comforting each other. Its like we were right next to each other. We'de cry, laugh and even hold each other... and we are so far away... Many nights have i imagined, and felt her touch... Somtimes i would be laying down in bed at around !12:00 AM, staring at the cieling, hating myself or having internal conflict, when suddenly id see her.. she would crawl into bed next to me and lay her head on my chest, and fall alseep. I'd feel her touch, her warmth, her emotion as if it were real... I could even rustle my hand through the visions hair and falt the smae strands of hair... I... want to stop crying... i seem to never run out of tears...
and finally... I want to say Circe... but than again she never evolved into anythign mor ethan a fantasy attraction... I guess this pain comes from myself... I want to say i hate myeslf.. but i know i dont... i want to stare at my hands... forver... and just.... think of nothing but my evil i harbor.... I... am... *struggles to find a better word bt cant only think of one* im evil...
 terinore · Tue Jan 02, 2007 @ 08:48pm · 0 Comments |
