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i finally hit mum back. no...from now on, every time i want to say that word, i'll just refer to her as "her" or any other word of criticism that i can come up with at that moment.
iv never KNOWN the feeling of having a mother, iv never been connected to her, iv never wanted her particularly close, and she hits me. iv never even known the feeling of having a father. this stupid idiot who gave birth to me took me away from him when i was only two. she took me to a different state, not even telling him that we were in the same country. and she took me with that great oaf of a new husband of hers, my step dad.
intimidating, short tempered and not fit to raise kids. this guy was obviously not the right guy to choose to help her raise a sensitive, small girl. but no, she didnt care about that. all she cared about was what she thought about him. she didnt even care that she was taking her toddler away from the one person who could have made the hugest difference.
my biological father could have made EVERYTHING different. now that iv finally met him face to face, its obvious how much of a difference he would have made in my life. outgoing, care free, workaholic and always out to have fun. you know, that COULD have been rubbed off onto me if i was left with him and his wife, louise. shes a country girl. shes tough and knows how to handle herself. i know that i could have learnt alot from her at a young age too.
lets all face it, iv never known the feeling of having someone watching over me or taking care of me. iv never known a feeling of love towards any parental or guardian figure. not a mother, not a dad, not a step dad, not a step mum, not my biological dad, and not even a babysitter or caretaker.
iv always felt like i have to be independent and think for myself without adults there to help, otherwise i'd just be let down again. iv always felt betrayed by adults. and if i ever did feel the love of any adult, i didnt like it at all and pushed the feeling as far away as possible, declining to talk to them as much as possible for fear of being betrayed again, because if you never trusted them in the first place, you can never be betrayed.
all she ever did was give birth to me and kill me so i have NOTHING to be thankful for. NOTHING. not even being taken care of. everything to do with taking care of me was done by iether me or somebody else. shes never had to call the ambulance for me, shes never had to be there for me emotionally, shes never had to go with me to the hospital, or any of that other crap the other parents have had to do. pulling me off the road to avoid being hit by a car was always my friends, getting changed into another pair of pants at the park because i fell into the river on my a** making it look like i wet myself was always my uncle, being called out at so that i didnt walk into that glass exhibit box at the museum was always the holiday program caretaker. those actually happened just so you know.
she only likes me more than my younger brother matt because IM more independent than that floozy little idiotic mummas boy and im a hell of a lot tougher than he is. she might love me, but i dont care. because theres no way i can forgive for all that shes done to me. ever since i was a three year old iv grown more hateful and disrespectful towards her. she destroyed my happiness as a kid. because you know what? dragging your three year old up the stairs by the arm and literally throwing her into the room screaming at her that you hate her and want her dead because everything's her fault isnt forgiveable. after that, NOTHING is forgiveable.
some people go on all their lives trying to impress abusive or neglectant parents, but i wont. im just glad i figured out that she isnt worth my pain and suffering, so im not going to waste my life trying my hardest just to show her up or "win her affection" because i got SMOTHERED in it, and i HATED IT. she never apologises for giving me a beating when she feels bad for it, and those dry spots where she DOESNT give me a good smashing and tries to win me over again with affection only happen because she wants me to love her again.
shes BLIND to what she really is, an IDIOT. she hits me for being rude to her, when its her fault in the first place. all i wanted when i was a kid was for her to swallow her pride just ONCE and tell me she was sorry for everything she did to me and she was WRONG! well you know what? i dont WANT an apology anymore! i gave up on waiting for THAT little miracle to happen YEARS AGO! if she ever does the only thing she'll get from me is DISGUST!
she wants me to love her again. whats funny is that she actually thinks thats possible.
 FSlayerX · Sun Dec 17, 2006 @ 02:34am · 0 Comments |
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