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((Well what can I say? I'm glad someone reads this I guess, but what to put in it? Hmm... Well I have gotten too dependant on people again, I really have to stop doing that. They have to leave eventually anyway and if they don't I just tend to push them away it seems regardless. I know as soon as graduation occures I am going to loose everyone cept for maybe Anna (Just maybe because she just might phone) and whoever I am going out with at the time.
There had been talk of meeting a few people. Well I wanted to for a while, even would get a job to pay it, but you know... that would only make things worse. If I met them and they turned out to be the same as they appear to be, it would be harder when they leave or are pushed away.
Neh, I think I need to get better self confidence really, then maybe this wouldn't be an issue. Hard when your really sensitive. My friends make fun and say Anna's the hot one and the nice one, which makes her feel great but then I feel like crud. Sometimes I have to stick my headphones in to shut them out to keep from crying, then they think that I'm being anti-social. That's what anti-socials are usually, the ones who care too much to survive in the society of today's world. >.<
School's going good. I decided to block out alot of things by just working on my work, and make little rewards for myself. It's been working well. Maybe I'll slowly migrate away from the computer too and start doing more outside activities. Get a sjob and rejoin archery and go to all those tounaments I was always embarassed to go to because of my poor equipment. I miss archery enough that it feels a part of my heart is missing.
What else has been bothering me I wonder? I guess I fear alot that my bf wants to do thing cause he's horney or something. But you know, I'm most likely wrong and the fear was implemented because of my bad intakes of past relationships. Doubt I could ever make it permanent though, always open to options of others, since my first. Even just last week a girl friend of mine dumped her bf who she swore she would marry just because someone else showed up from Africa who happened to have better looks. Girls are so shallow, I know it. And she's such a nice girl too... but yet she didn't even cry when she did it.
My writing has picked up slowly. I think this is a good thing because whenever it picks up drastically I always have a month of good writing, or maybe a few peices, but then it just drops away dead again for another 6 months. I'm sure that when it finally picks back up to speed I'll be able to work on this new story for quite sometime. Just need to be less hard on my writing abilities and I know how to fix that. Get an editor. xd
So I actually wrote about my life. I wonder which is better, my fantasyfiction or my reality. No I don't mean... I mean better to read about for those few who actually read. I'm sure SOMEONE would like to know how I am doing. whee I just hate talking about it to someone since I feel as self-centered as I tend to think I am. I think it was Griff who said some found it cute, well that only made it worse. Poor thing doesn't know, so no worries Griff. It's alright. blaugh
I think I"m done now, and I feel much better. 3nodding
Love you guys. heart
 Silent Flame · Sat Feb 05, 2005 @ 09:47pm · 6 Comments |
