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Now I see the times they change... |
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...If you could see in my head then you would understand; I am better off gone because we don't see eye to eye...
I received great news today when I was able to get back onto Gaia. It had been one of these days.... and I had been trying to tell myself for the past few hours before I could get on that I was just tense and being a baby and that I needed to grow up, take my head out of my a**...Well, you get the picture. The self-a**-kickin' talk, when you know that you are overreacting and that you need to chill.
Lots of stuff going on in my little part of the world, stuff I will not even bother getting into cause HERE is my escape from THERE and I do not want THERE in HERE. Suffice it so say that I have been in very much need to be HERE and though HERE had recently taken a hit when I thought that I would not see one of the people that have just completely stolen my heart (and all knows of who I speak of, cause when he left I think that EVERYONE heard me b***h about it xd )....*Deep breath* Ok whoa...I need to start over so that this might begin to make sense to anyone that just happens to wander in. I apologize now for the insanity that will run through these electronic pages, for I know even now that it will get crazy....
As I said before, and quiet adamently, this is my refuge from the quote-unquote Real World. I live in my head more then 90% of the time because the events around me are just too often not enough to really excite me; when I am happy I tend to wait for the other shoe to drop. I am by nature a realist though I try my best to do for people as well as I can. I have my days but I try overall to do nothing but the best for those around me, no matter the cost to my own happiness. I know how that might sound but sometimes the need to make another smile overrides completely my own needs and before I know it I have either made that other person smile, pissed myself off to the point that my head explodes, or somehow manage to make us both feel like poop. xd I try to be as positive as possible and one of the best ways that I know how to do that is live within my little fantasy worlds, be that a story that I am working on or living in the RPs that I haunt, or just thinking of a future that will end nothing like what I think about...Point is, I live in a story.
From childhood, writting has been my passion. There has never been a day since I found out how to write and begin to form the words into sentences that I was not enamoured with it. I have wanted to write for a living more then I have ever wanted to do anything else; relationships even took a back seat to this need, for this gave me true joy to do. There is no guilt, no hurt feelings, no lies between me and the page. I was thinking of stories even before I could write them and when I became old enough, I discovered role playing...And that passion I will not get into right now because I have a lot of ground to cover and would like to have this up within the hour. But RPing has become a way for me to expand upon my need to write and create a story; when I found Gaia (the how and why I will get into another day) I was automatically hooked. So it has been since the day I happened to find Gaia: I love this site and am proudly addicted to it; it has given me a lot of happiness that I was amazed that I could get out of something such as this.
One of the reasons I am just thrilled over it is my friends that I have found on here...All of which I hope will read this because I feel like I never get to tell you this enough, but seriously, all of you: heart I LOVE YOU ALL AND THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING!! heart
'Specially here lately; I have been 'bitchhermiting' for reasons that I will not even begin to get into and Gaia has become my refuge now more then ever. All of my special people ( heart and I hope that you know who you are) give me such joy and happiness. I only wish that I could have you around me in real life so that I would not be so dependent upon my connection and my spiffy lovable Compaq here to reach out to you. I adore everyone of you and hope that life is doing you all good. I hope that you will read this and know that I think about you even when I am not on and that your support to me, no matter how RAWR and snappy I get means the world to me. You guys are the reason that I have not allowed myself to just go all evil and say to hell with people. You all rock, kick the major a**, and make this one smile even when crying.
Which brings me around to the reason that I FINALLY got off my butt and started this journal. Ever since I got onto Gaia and saw that you could make your own journal I purred with happiness. It was another thing that made this little cyber world perfect for me. But I am alas, a perfectionist and a procrastinator (and a horrid speller at times so please forgive any creative letter usage you might find) and so I kept thinking that I would start it out when this was done, when I had thought of how I wanted that done, etc etc. First thing I needed was a name and it took longer then I will admit to find it. When it hit me out of nowhere what I should call it I had to go catch my head and reattach it- it was so perfect and so right in front of my face that I was ashamed of myself for not seeing it before then. When it did come to me I had one of those DUH! moments and smacked my head so hard I saw stars.
To those of you that don't know me, let me assure you that my name is not a random name that I came up with just for here. One of these days I will get more into it (especially for all of those of you that I always said I would tell you the story), but for now I will just say that Flare is a very very important character to me. I have had her now for about 2 years, longer if I was honest with myself, and I adore her. She is...wow. I do not know how to sum Flare up in a few simple sentences but for now I will just say that she has a very very complicated past and it would take a huge post to get into it, but the Four Horsemen are involved. She is one of the Four and there was one of the Others in particular that was very important to the story of Flare. For those of you who are curious enough to want to know what the name of my journal means, it is Latin for a wonderful phrase, though to some I am sure that it might sound negative. I assure you it is not meant that way, though I will not lie and say that it does not have its melancholy meaning. If you should happen upon the meaning you would know more about Flare then I think a paragraph could tell you. The more you know of Flare the more you know of me, for though we walk in different worlds, we share the same heart and when I look into mirrors I try to see her, for she is most definently the best part of me and who I aspire to be.
Ok...Where was I...Before I started ranting again? Oh yeah! This journal has been a labor of love now for quiet a while and I intend to pour a LOT of attention into it. For example, just some little odds and ends here and there, interesting little tidbits that I find, a neat little set of things at the end of each entry that I hope will amuse some of you and that I know will amuse me to do. I will be doing much more then the usual "Today I did this and then this happened..." entries. I will sometimes slap up my poetry (when I feel 'specially sadistic to those of you that will read these...if anyone does xd ), put song lyrics up, post pics, rant on about anything that comes to mind, post story ideas and RP plans...etc etc. This is meant to be a glimpse into my mad mind and if it has not already become apparant that I am a bit...random and erratic...then I am not doing a very good job of being myself! xd
I want this to be a collection of my thoughts as well as a place for the people I care about to kinda see what is going on in my little gray matter. I want it to be a mirror of how I am feeling and a place to mark special events....LIKE TODAY! Well, technically it was yesterday but I missed it due to things I will not get into. >.< But I am back and when I got on imagine my delight at what was in my PM box! heart
As I have said, it is the friends that I have found thanks to this site that is one of the best things that I have ever been gifted with. I will talk more about this later, but recently one of my dear friends posted not too long ago in the RP that I started that he was leaving Gaia. I was heartbroken because for one, it is no secret that I am fond of him; he was the first person on Gaia that I got really attatched to and through him I met the others that I love as well. He invited me into his guild (hint hint *nudge nudge wink wink* Check out my siggy xd ) and it was history made; I love all those in that guild and I think that our RP kicks the a**. I have grown fond of everyone but it was a blow to me to read his 'last' post; I never got to say goodbye to him and I was worried about him. He is truly one of the best RPers that I know and RPing with him just rocks; by now I bet most of you know who I refer to...Besides the bitchfit that I had when he left I tend to brag about all my Red buddies to anyone that will listen so for all those who may not know who I mean I am talking about Vanslaz, or Van as he is usually called. Van became important to me and when I thought that I was not going to talk to him anymore it made me sad. I guess it hit me at that time when all it would have taken was one more hit and I would have been down for the count, but when I thought that he was never coming back I was very sad.
BUT HE IS BACK! heart And so I started this journal for not only to celebrate this occasion (because for me it truly is a great thing) but to remind myself that no matter how bad things might look, no matter how lost things seem, there is always something wonderful just waiting to hit you and it is usually when you very least expect it. So Vanny, thank you...Once again you helped to prove me wrong and for that I can not thank you enough. To all of those that read this, know that I wish you well and especially to those of you that read this and that I care for, know that no matter how mean I get you are all special to me and that I am glad to have met you all.
*Deep breath* I think that is pretty much it...for now. I do not know if I can update or edit this page, for I am sure that I will think of more to say (incase by now it is not evident, I am very very long-winded) but for now I think I am done. I would also like to mention right now that I am a music addict as well; incase you do not know me when you read this I am heavily into music for I know better then most that music does indeed soothe the savage beast; you will find so many musical references that if you are into music as well you can make a game out of it! xd I say that because right then as I typed those last few lines one of my favorite songs came on and I wanted to mention my love for music. Ok...I think that for now I am done. Just some quick notes and then I will let my first journal entry hit Gaia (with a thud xd )...These might not make sense to everyone reading it and it is not meant to make ready sense to everyone; it is something that I want to toss out to those that I think might wander into this and that I wanted to leave quick messages for since they were sweet enough to read all this and stick around.
~Mom, I love you. Thank you so much for sticking with me and the same goes to you all but here lately she has been getting my gruff alot. I know you are going through a lot and I thank you for caring about me. heart
~Lul, you are such a damn sweet person. I adore you and think that you rock. Do not ever change and don't let the world drag you down. We need more people like you...or else people like me will be completely lost. xd
~Lost...You are a darling and I can not thank you enough for all that you have done for me. Letting me take over your Guild and wanting me around no matter the drama shows me how much you care. You are a sweetheart and have helped me to think that there are still some princes left out there. heart
~Knight...You s**t. xp You did not answer the phone to me and have me all worried about you. I love you no matter how hard I want to domokun you sometimes; know that no matter what I never mean to be so mean to you and that you will always and foremost be a knight to me.
~Aryal...You have been my friend since BUMP was the best thing to get gold and you are the only girl that I know that fiends over the same music that I do! xd Thanks for bringing light into a certain Dark Knight's heart. wink
~Asai...*SUPERHUGGLESPURRSNUGGLE* I have missed the hell out of you...Where is that phone call you promised? xd heart
~Kai...I know you love me if you have read this far. wink Thanks for being such a great little brother.
~Missy...You ho! xd You know I love you but keep those hands to yourself! xd
~William...You are never forgotten by me, no matter what happens or how much time goes by you are always my Vapor and I will always love you; who the hell else do I know that can come up with a phrase like "I give her six months before she is jumping up and down on anything hard and upright"? xd
~Dragon...I mean it...Damn DAMN good story!!!! biggrin
~Aeongera...I don't know if you will find yourself in here or not but thank you. You are truly one of the BEST RPers I know and you have made me smile when I thought that I would most surely bite someone. xd
~VANNY... heart heart heart
That is it...I think...For now. Be warned though...I think too much, type too fast and love to write far too much! xd
heart And cause I can... heart
*Last Event* Pink Link about 3...4 days ago?
*Favorite Haunts on Gaia At The Moment* Red Eclipes (I think that the unique spelling makes us stand out xd ) ~Greater Expectations~ (and soon everyone will know why...Thank you UE! heart ), Poll Jumpers (Think goldgoldgold...Polls kick butt!) and my PM box.
*Theme Song of the Moment* Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood (the ending song from Kill Bill)
*What Book I Am Reading Now* Dean Koontz' Shattered....*loves the Dean*
*Thought Of The Day* Family...The Other F word.
*Questing For....* Damn good PM RPs and art...lots and lots of art. LOTS. xd
*Odd Gaia Goal* To do 6000 polls by the end of Feb. (So Far: 0)
*Random Question For Anyone Who Thinks They Can Answer It* If someone has multiple personality disorder and one personality plays with themself all the time but another personality HATES that, is it sexual harrasment?
 · Sun Jan 30, 2005 @ 03:00pm · 32 Comments |
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); I really hope that did not lower your opinion of me but that really made me mad how that person spoke to you.