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Well.. my mental shield was brought down today. The shield that held back the feelings that I would normal say I have for somone. This persons friend asked me a few...rather personal questions... that brought me to look into that door the answer the friend honestly... But i closed the door as soon as i realized what i was about to do. I cannot think of this person the way i used to.. if i do.. it will only end up in misury for all of us. If i ever let go of those thoughts... they will destroy me. This person no longer thinks of me in the way this person used to. I had to leave my ambitions in the dark in order to build a solid friendship. I had to log off early to rebuild this wall. If i had stayed any longer.. i would have broken out with my thoughts... and.... I cannot do that.
My mind wants me to tell the truth, though I am not lying to anyone. I want to just let all my gaurd down.. but.. I cannot.. will not. I.. have hoped once on it and I have heard an honest answer. So I can't let it bring me down. Somthing calls to me. It doesn't wan tme to try. It doesnt want me to write this because whoever im talking bout will know where im headed and what im thinking. I refuse to speak directly bcuase of one thing only, I cannot bare to write down the actual event... I need about a day to rebuild my defences... I can't be cought off gaurd anymore.