Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Independant, dependant.
Dominant, submissive.
Leaders, followers.

Our lives are full of everyday choices. Most we are unaware of. But as I watch time go by, fast-forwarding through my head, I notice that most of us want to be on top, to be right. The one who does it right and prevail over others.

But with every leader, there are 100 followers. And it's hard to know which one you are. I thought I was in control once. But then I knew better. I discovered something. Being the last one, the not so best, wasn't so bad. It was an easy life, letting others lead me around, choosing for me.

But people say you loose your individuality. You become something that person wants you to be. And it felt like I was dead. My body belonged to someone else while I thought to myself. What's so bad?

At my house, in my room, in my mind, I feel dominant, strong, a leader among my own. But I know that when I take one step out of my sanctuary, my knowing turns to questions. Others soon control my life. And they might not even know it.

I'm a slave to my feelings and so I feel second place to the person who can do anything. The people I hang with or choose to ignore rule my life and how I move in it so I feel like a follower, always watching out. I can't really do anything on my own without having someone praise me or scold me so I feel dependent on what others say about me. And I was never meant to be a leader. Look were I lead myself. You think I can lead people?

So what if I'm submissive, a quiter, second place? So I'm not that good at many things, that I don't care what happens to other people, that people enjoy tossing me around? Is that so wrong?