The last month has been strict mental pain to me. Like being shot in the heart. Oh wait...I did that yesterday.
I feel as if my best friends are hiding a relationship from me. Jesus Christ. I hate everyone asking me if they are together. I don't know. They don't talk to me about it. They don't talk to me about anything anymore. And I place the blame entirely on me. So guys...I'm sorry. Thats a true apology from yours truly. And you know who you are if you're reading this.
Guess I should come clean about why I just don't want to talk to everyone and why I feel like s**t and just want to close my eyes forever, huh? Better time then never.
In fact the world can hear it. I want my heart lightened.
I have no good relationship with really any of my family (besides my brother, dog, cadie and my aunt) and the past month has been no better. From hearing my grandpa tell me to lose weight while he's ******** dying and then telling my dad and robby that he and kitty only like me now because I haven't been allowed to wear my black clothes adds on to every inch of darkness in my heart.
Have you ever had your heart wripped out by your own family members so many times?
My parents haven't been getting along. I know most people have dealt with divorce but I thought I was the luckiest b***h to be able to last 14 years with them together. My mom decided to go back to college and get a just to become a physical therapist. I was perfectly ok with that, I'd get to spend more time with the brother I never took advantage of having, someone I ignored for a good 13 years. I thought I was happy.
Its taken me so long to realize that ,my dad was never really a father figure. He didn't know how to be a real dad and be able to take care of us and leave work early to check on us to make sure we were ok. And most of the time, we were the ones taking care of him; cleaning the house, preparing meals, cleaning up. I didn't care. As long as I got to cook---something I love to do.
About a month after mom decided to work, I noticed tensions between my mom and dad. Mom didn't really want to be with him because he bitched about her not being around. He got robby to start saying that s**t and I confronted him, telling him he hurt mum's feelings and that if she had more time, she would spend it with us. But she wanted to do something that made her happy and she didn't know what was right; to be happy and us be miserable or her to be unhappy but in turn us happy.
About 2 weeks ago...maybe 3 now...I was in the car with my mom. We were on the way home from the gym and she said, "Alex...I read what was in your notebook." All I could think of was "s**t s**t s**t" and replied. "What are you talking about?"
"That notebook you write in. I think its what you write with Cadie. What the ******** is you problem? Why are you writing....? What is wrong wit you?"
My insides were screaming. I was screaming. "I'M SICK OF THIS s**t MOM! I'm ******** sick of all of this!! Why can't things just rewind a year? Why the ******** is everything so hard?"
The screaming fiasco went on to yell about how much I hated everything at home, at school, in life.
Why does it feel like the devil is laughing?
Leaving me haunted tonight...
We pulled over by Stop & Shop and mum broke down crying about how much she hated the way dad was acting and about how she purposely avoided him. About how much she's been thinking about breaking apart from him.
My hearts been so torn...
My hearts been so broken
Even God takes his time to heal old wounds
And laughs with the devil by his side
I can't believe how long its taken me to write this... so many minutes...like...60 of 'em...
And its so late...12:47 AM...
I don't want to sleep...
Smile-Its Alex Community Member 
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