-sigh-
I'm a bit..
How do you say...
spaced. >_<
I'm very depressed and I don't know what to do, like my head is spinning.
Julie, you're an idiot I swear. =_=
Let me start from the beginning:
So it's mother's day and so there is a mother's day concert at the synagogue. I went, of course, with my mom.
So we walked down the aisle to get to a row and my mom stopped. We were right by the row with Alan in it. Now, I would never admit this anywhere but my journal but when I was younger I had a crush on Alan. Completely cured though, so no worries.
So my mom is all: "Alan, do you mind if we sit here?"
He looks up, kind up sullen eyed and says: "I'm saving the seats."
My mom points to the ones on the other side of him. "Can we sit there?"
He shrugs so we go and sit there.
The concert is about to begin and I can't help but glance around the room. And my eyes rest on Alan's arms. Okay, I really shouldn't have done that. I was horrified to find cut marks all over his arms, not even decently covered up by his sleeves. I immediately look away and fiddle with the rose that my mom received from the front and tried my best not to look at his arms but I just couldn't help it! I had to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. I wasn't.
Now, there had been rumors all over the Hebrew school. My mom being a teacher she gets an inside scoop on everything. So... I kind of... knew... I just could never picture the Alan that I had liked in second grade sitting in the bathroom running a blade along his wrists and smiling as the bled. I felt like crying. And I almost did too if it hadn't had been for the gum I had been packing in my purse.
He was picking at his scabs at his arms, me paying the majority of my attention to him but pretending to pay attention to the concert, noticed. His sister snatched his hand away from the other and told him to stop. But then he pretending to silently cry while picking at his hands. I could see it all from my angle but I couldn't actually do anything about it, you know, I was pretending to not notice.
I felt so helpless. As I tried to enjoy the concert and not worry about Alan, I started to cut my nail into the rose subconsciously and then I felt a snap! and I had broken it. ;/
Now by this point I was worried about not only his but my mental stability. So I gave the top of the rose to my mother to wear in her hair and I sat through the rest of the concert manically chewing my gum.
So there we go.
I just don't know.
I just felt so incredibly helpless that I wanted to cry. I still want to cry.
I'd hate to see him ruin his life like that when he's only thirteen.
And he used to be such a funny awesome guy.
God.
I wanted to whack myself.
No, I don't think I like him, I just think I care very much about those around me.
That... or I'm completely naive.
...
Let's go with the first one, okay?
</3Rae
I'm a bit..
How do you say...
spaced. >_<
I'm very depressed and I don't know what to do, like my head is spinning.
Julie, you're an idiot I swear. =_=
Let me start from the beginning:
So it's mother's day and so there is a mother's day concert at the synagogue. I went, of course, with my mom.
So we walked down the aisle to get to a row and my mom stopped. We were right by the row with Alan in it. Now, I would never admit this anywhere but my journal but when I was younger I had a crush on Alan. Completely cured though, so no worries.
So my mom is all: "Alan, do you mind if we sit here?"
He looks up, kind up sullen eyed and says: "I'm saving the seats."
My mom points to the ones on the other side of him. "Can we sit there?"
He shrugs so we go and sit there.
The concert is about to begin and I can't help but glance around the room. And my eyes rest on Alan's arms. Okay, I really shouldn't have done that. I was horrified to find cut marks all over his arms, not even decently covered up by his sleeves. I immediately look away and fiddle with the rose that my mom received from the front and tried my best not to look at his arms but I just couldn't help it! I had to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. I wasn't.
Now, there had been rumors all over the Hebrew school. My mom being a teacher she gets an inside scoop on everything. So... I kind of... knew... I just could never picture the Alan that I had liked in second grade sitting in the bathroom running a blade along his wrists and smiling as the bled. I felt like crying. And I almost did too if it hadn't had been for the gum I had been packing in my purse.
He was picking at his scabs at his arms, me paying the majority of my attention to him but pretending to pay attention to the concert, noticed. His sister snatched his hand away from the other and told him to stop. But then he pretending to silently cry while picking at his hands. I could see it all from my angle but I couldn't actually do anything about it, you know, I was pretending to not notice.
I felt so helpless. As I tried to enjoy the concert and not worry about Alan, I started to cut my nail into the rose subconsciously and then I felt a snap! and I had broken it. ;/
Now by this point I was worried about not only his but my mental stability. So I gave the top of the rose to my mother to wear in her hair and I sat through the rest of the concert manically chewing my gum.
So there we go.
I just don't know.
I just felt so incredibly helpless that I wanted to cry. I still want to cry.
I'd hate to see him ruin his life like that when he's only thirteen.
And he used to be such a funny awesome guy.
God.
I wanted to whack myself.
No, I don't think I like him, I just think I care very much about those around me.
That... or I'm completely naive.
...
Let's go with the first one, okay?
</3Rae
Community Member
which, like you said, is ashame. I mean, he is really gorgeous, and he used to be a nice guy, but now he's just lame.
if it was Sarah [not Gore, the other one] that did this to him, then she deserves a bullet to her head. either way, she deserves it.
I get where you're coming from, though.
I really can tell he used ot be a nice guy, though. he used to love to hug people. now he dresses in black and cuts himself, and I bet he doesn't have anything //that// bad going on in his life.
I really wish he would stop. I know I don't know him well or anything, but I don't like this. it makes me sick whenever I think of another kid cutting themselves, or ruining themselves, especially when they don't have any problems.
although he might have something bad in his life, I don't know. I doubt it though.
anyways, I'm not helping.
hope you feel better.
<3