I don't know what the ******** I'm doing anymore.
Probably never really did.
It's frustrating to be so lost. Lacking something....Some kind of drive and any sort of direction.
I hold myself back in this same old rut. Just keep repeating intimate mistakes. Self defeating prophecies. Familiar let downs. Giving up. I am better than that but I don't allow myself to be.
Still just running in circles, chasing after nothing.
From the inside looking out I'm stricken. Anxiety seeps past the edges, a constant throbbing desperate thing that on occasion flares like a sunburst; sharp and bright and blinding instead of dull and numbing.
People and things that are important stretch into distances, steadily slip away, fade like shadows.
Stuck in my own head, such disconnect with others is grating.
Some time ago I could have accepted that as inevitably. Now I am so afraid of loss.
Joy, hope, excitement, love; Whatever amalgam of feelings embody the good and positive can seem few and far between.
Sometimes I have to wonder.
'Happy' and all derivatives of the word is something I can have trouble to define. 'Being' that...I shouldn't have to sit and think about it, try to acknowledge instances of realization when it's a state that is meant to be lived. I should simply be.
I'm not sure how to even begin.
 CM_Valyn · Sun Sep 08, 2013 @ 08:16am · 0 Comments |
