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So here's the skinny for all y'all who haven't been paying attention to the saga that is... my life.
Sadly enough, everything seems to happen at once.
The first of my troubles started during Spring Break. I finally got to see Ian again and I was really excited. I'd had this crush on him for probably three years now. So I went to see him and he's very depressed because he got stuck at IUSB instead of Purdue with all his friends. He still acts like he's in high school. And while I found that endearing in high school, we're not in high school anymore. Part of the problem is that even when he was a t Purdue, he was still hanging out with his old PHM friends. They're like... enablers. He's stuck with the same stuffy opinions. "Bush is a great president, Macs are bad computers, there's no such thing as Global Warming." He can't be open-minded. The last day of break he called me. "Emily, why aren't you at church?" "I was sleeping." "Well get over here now, I'm bored!" "What?" "I'm bored!" "But I'm tired and I still need to pack." "But I'm bored!" (We went on for quite awhile on this one.) I ended up going to church against my will because I'm a pushover. Dad says that by giving in, I'm proving my loyalty as a friend. He was testing me.
Mom seems to think we're perfect for each other.
Two weeks later. Liz was helping Cait with something and couldn't get away to come to DDR, so I went with Rookie. Rookie runs off with her boy toy after about an hour, leaving me to fend for myself. This guy, Tommy, starts talking to me and being the polite little pirate I am, I talk back. So after three hours of knowing of my existence, he asks to be my boyfriend. And I'm all WTF and turn him down. So I go out of my way the next day to avoid him and he goes out looking for me! Creepy. So I basically 'dumped' him. Ever since then he's been avoiding me to make me feel bad. I've been avoiding him because he's creepy. I then find out that he's gone through pretty much all of my friends before asking me out. So I'm last resort.
Next day. Phil from Anime Club and I are talking an we get along fairly well. We find out that we're from the same school and didn't realize it. Cool.
Next Saturday. Animosity between me and Tommy gets thicker, I retreat to the hallway during DDR to chill. A guy named Ali (from some Arab country, I forgot to ask) starts talking to Rookie, who promptly point out that she is already in a relationship. Ali then turns to me and begins asking me "Do you have a boyfriend, do you plan on having a boyfriend, do you plan on getting married, do you plan on having kids." I finally get pissed of and say "no" to all. Hans assures me that this is normal in Arab countries, but it doesn't make me feel like any less of a last resort.
Next day Phil and I are getting along well and I catch hints that he might have a crush on me. And while this is neat and all...
Next week (yesterday). As a part of a joke, Phil grabs my hand and pats it "comfortingly." (I had made a joke that had not gone over very well and he was trying to be 'cute.') He... held it a little longer than was comfortable for me. And it couldn't have been very comfortable for him, either. My hands are ******** freezing. He was also playing with my braid.
Today. I find out that not only is Phil flirting with me, but has also flirted with Rookie as well. Again. Last resort.
There's the timeline. Now here's how I feel about all this.
Firstoff, I don't want a relationship. I've seen what they do to people. All this emphasis that society puts on relationships and love just makes me want a relationship even less. My parents and Ian's parents, as well as Ian pushing us into a relationship is just pushing me farther away.
Second, I seem to attract losers. As Pocky said, through a very helpful visual presentation, I'm approachable. I'm not a supermodel, but I'm not really homely. I'm middle-rung, and therefore attract the bottom-rung. Yay self-esteem. Not that Phil or Ian are bottom-rung. They're closer to middle than Tom, at least. It's like they all of a sudden realized I have boobs.
Third, I do not want to even think about relationships until I've figured out who I am personally. It was pretty cut-and-dried in high school: I was Different. That was my label. But now that I'm in college, I'm surrounded by about two-thousand other people who are also different. We've been doing a lot of self-portraits in Drawing and Foundations and they all need to say something about the artist. But I can never think of what to do. I've been having an identity crisis.
Add to that, I finally realize that not being able to remember anything before fourth grade is a bad sign. And since no one will tell me why I can't, I'm seriously starting to question my sanity.
All this and more. Vance and Barbara have been assigning projects left and right, demanding that we buy more supplies with our own money. Things like wood, chisels, plaster, paint, buckets for mixing plaster. This stuff ain't cheap.
The end result of classwork, homework, too many boys asking me out at once, spending money like it grows on trees, seriously questioning my own ******** sanity, and upcoming finals? Me having sharp pains in my chest, arms, and sides; shaking uncontrollably for no god-damned reason; periodically turning purple; an uncontrollable desire to collapse in the middle of the hallway; and overall inability to function properly.
And those were my months of March and April.
"April is the cruelest month," so says Eliot.
 Gethsemane · Tue Apr 11, 2006 @ 01:50am · 5 Comments |
