We just set a date...maybe ten minutes ago.
We are going to get married on the day we picked as our anniversary.
October 31st. We are going to have a Halloween wedding.
I am going to be a bride!
ME!
The idea is so strange and wonderful and unreal and laughable.
Me. A bride.
Me. He actually wants me. He could have anyone- god knows he is smart enough, funny enough, sweet enough and so very nice on the eyes- but he picked me.
Of all the girls in the world he picked the biggest goober. A fangirl; proud nerd; agnostic; an exile from Wonderland. I do not try to fit in, I have no desire to fit in and be just one of the rest. I have no urge to blend in with others though I do have a major issue with wishing I could become invisible and visible at will...I spend too much time in my head, with my characters and plots and stories and never-ending "What If..." this and "Wouldn't it be neat if..." that...and I like to stay up all night and nap my way far into the afternoon. I love RedBull in the morning and cereal after midnight; for a girl I have a hard time being "soft" and have been having more and more issues with accepting help and kindness, even when I need it the most...but he picked me.
I have nothing to give him but my rantings, my mumblings, my dreams. I am incredibly difficult and one of my worst traits is my pride in that fact. I have a soft heart but I hide it well with an impenetrable wall; come on, the character I empathize with is Integra Hellsing. I like how she does not take s**t from anyone and hides how much she cares as well as she does. I have grown to like being the bad guy because when I was good everyone thought I owed them what I did not have to give...and it hurt to have to let people down even when they were asking things of me that was unfair. I still hate to let people down but I will no longer be on constant guilt-trips. I have learned to say no and I have learned to love the word. And yet instead of some sweet, girly character he picks an Integra, complete with the yelling and bossing about.
I love being wicked. I am tired of being the "nice" girl because being nice just led to my kindness and patience being abused and taken advantage of; I went from being a welcome mat to just not bothering because I know how it will all end up. I went from Flare to Alexi and I love every minute of it.
Yet he picked me. At my worst, too, because when we first met I was a total wreck. But here we are, years later...in our first home, doing so many of the things that had anyone told me I would be doing and having fun doing I would have called them insane.
I have never been so scared and so excited in my life. I have no idea how to wrap my mind around all the stuff happening in my life- but it is so exciting! I am almost afraid of how happy I am right now. I feel so...so happy. At peace. This is real and good and right. Even when things have went completely shitastic he has stayed with me and put up with me. I know that can not have been easy. But he did, for whatever reason.
I just wish I deserved it...but I know damn well I am going to try with every ounce of my formidable willpower to do so. I have not deserved it up to this point...but from this point on I will try to be better and to deserve all the blessings that have come to me. I may well and truly never deserve any of the good things that come to me but the last thing anyone will ever be able to say is that I did not try my hardest to deserve what I have been blessed with.
I am a lot of things but ungrateful is not one of them; one of the things I AM is excited and scared and pleased beyond words.
It has been worth it- every step of the way. ^.^ I look forward to what comes next, my Count, come what may.
We are going to get married on the day we picked as our anniversary.
October 31st. We are going to have a Halloween wedding.
I am going to be a bride!
ME!
The idea is so strange and wonderful and unreal and laughable.
Me. A bride.
Me. He actually wants me. He could have anyone- god knows he is smart enough, funny enough, sweet enough and so very nice on the eyes- but he picked me.
Of all the girls in the world he picked the biggest goober. A fangirl; proud nerd; agnostic; an exile from Wonderland. I do not try to fit in, I have no desire to fit in and be just one of the rest. I have no urge to blend in with others though I do have a major issue with wishing I could become invisible and visible at will...I spend too much time in my head, with my characters and plots and stories and never-ending "What If..." this and "Wouldn't it be neat if..." that...and I like to stay up all night and nap my way far into the afternoon. I love RedBull in the morning and cereal after midnight; for a girl I have a hard time being "soft" and have been having more and more issues with accepting help and kindness, even when I need it the most...but he picked me.
I have nothing to give him but my rantings, my mumblings, my dreams. I am incredibly difficult and one of my worst traits is my pride in that fact. I have a soft heart but I hide it well with an impenetrable wall; come on, the character I empathize with is Integra Hellsing. I like how she does not take s**t from anyone and hides how much she cares as well as she does. I have grown to like being the bad guy because when I was good everyone thought I owed them what I did not have to give...and it hurt to have to let people down even when they were asking things of me that was unfair. I still hate to let people down but I will no longer be on constant guilt-trips. I have learned to say no and I have learned to love the word. And yet instead of some sweet, girly character he picks an Integra, complete with the yelling and bossing about.
I love being wicked. I am tired of being the "nice" girl because being nice just led to my kindness and patience being abused and taken advantage of; I went from being a welcome mat to just not bothering because I know how it will all end up. I went from Flare to Alexi and I love every minute of it.
Yet he picked me. At my worst, too, because when we first met I was a total wreck. But here we are, years later...in our first home, doing so many of the things that had anyone told me I would be doing and having fun doing I would have called them insane.
I have never been so scared and so excited in my life. I have no idea how to wrap my mind around all the stuff happening in my life- but it is so exciting! I am almost afraid of how happy I am right now. I feel so...so happy. At peace. This is real and good and right. Even when things have went completely shitastic he has stayed with me and put up with me. I know that can not have been easy. But he did, for whatever reason.
I just wish I deserved it...but I know damn well I am going to try with every ounce of my formidable willpower to do so. I have not deserved it up to this point...but from this point on I will try to be better and to deserve all the blessings that have come to me. I may well and truly never deserve any of the good things that come to me but the last thing anyone will ever be able to say is that I did not try my hardest to deserve what I have been blessed with.
I am a lot of things but ungrateful is not one of them; one of the things I AM is excited and scared and pleased beyond words.
It has been worth it- every step of the way. ^.^ I look forward to what comes next, my Count, come what may.
