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We just set a date...maybe ten minutes ago.
We are going to get married on the day we picked as our anniversary.
October 31st. We are going to have a Halloween wedding.
I am going to be a bride!
ME!
The idea is so strange and wonderful and unreal and laughable.
Me. A bride.
Me. He actually wants me. He could have anyone- god knows he is smart enough, funny enough, sweet enough and so very nice on the eyes- but he picked me.
Of all the girls in the world he picked the biggest goober. A fangirl; proud nerd; agnostic; an exile from Wonderland. I do not try to fit in, I have no desire to fit in and be just one of the rest. I have no urge to blend in with others though I do have a major issue with wishing I could become invisible and visible at will...I spend too much time in my head, with my characters and plots and stories and never-ending "What If..." this and "Wouldn't it be neat if..." that...and I like to stay up all night and nap my way far into the afternoon. I love RedBull in the morning and cereal after midnight; for a girl I have a hard time being "soft" and have been having more and more issues with accepting help and kindness, even when I need it the most...but he picked me.
I have nothing to give him but my rantings, my mumblings, my dreams. I am incredibly difficult and one of my worst traits is my pride in that fact. I have a soft heart but I hide it well with an impenetrable wall; come on, the character I empathize with is Integra Hellsing. I like how she does not take s**t from anyone and hides how much she cares as well as she does. I have grown to like being the bad guy because when I was good everyone thought I owed them what I did not have to give...and it hurt to have to let people down even when they were asking things of me that was unfair. I still hate to let people down but I will no longer be on constant guilt-trips. I have learned to say no and I have learned to love the word. And yet instead of some sweet, girly character he picks an Integra, complete with the yelling and bossing about.
I love being wicked. I am tired of being the "nice" girl because being nice just led to my kindness and patience being abused and taken advantage of; I went from being a welcome mat to just not bothering because I know how it will all end up. I went from Flare to Alexi and I love every minute of it.
Yet he picked me. At my worst, too, because when we first met I was a total wreck. But here we are, years later...in our first home, doing so many of the things that had anyone told me I would be doing and having fun doing I would have called them insane.
I have never been so scared and so excited in my life. I have no idea how to wrap my mind around all the stuff happening in my life- but it is so exciting! I am almost afraid of how happy I am right now. I feel so...so happy. At peace. This is real and good and right. Even when things have went completely shitastic he has stayed with me and put up with me. I know that can not have been easy. But he did, for whatever reason.
I just wish I deserved it...but I know damn well I am going to try with every ounce of my formidable willpower to do so. I have not deserved it up to this point...but from this point on I will try to be better and to deserve all the blessings that have come to me. I may well and truly never deserve any of the good things that come to me but the last thing anyone will ever be able to say is that I did not try my hardest to deserve what I have been blessed with.
I am a lot of things but ungrateful is not one of them; one of the things I AM is excited and scared and pleased beyond words.
It has been worth it- every step of the way. ^.^ I look forward to what comes next, my Count, come what may.
 · Mon Apr 25, 2011 @ 09:17am · 0 Comments |
