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I can't help it. I knew that everything would be okay and that I didn't have to worry about anything happening, but I don't know. I get super jealous super easily and even though I know that I can't always be the center of attention, a part of me wants to... A part of me wants to be the only one on her mind but I know that that's not possible. I've been meaning to write something like this for a hwile, but I have never had the patience for it. Now I do because there's a huge party and nobody's doing s**t so I thought, why not now? So here's my rant (and it's a pretty stupid rant):

I'm jealous. I'm jealous because she's living with someone that still has feelings for her for three months. I know this person doesn't like me that much, and I don't know why, but I'm always afraid that I'll loose her. Maybe not to this girl, but to any girl. She's told me all the time that she'll never leave me, but isn't it normal to be jealous over something like this? I found out about all the things that would go between them and I was a little envious. I was jealous also because... Because I wanted her to come see me. Prom and the Anime Convention would be coming up and I was gonna take her to them, but she couldn't. And so now she gets to stay with her friend. I just.... I don't know. I can't help but keep my worries there. They're always in my mind and heart...

I'm clingy. I know I am. My friends are always like "You are way too clingy. GTFO. >U" I know that I can be clingy but I have abandonment issues and I can't help it. It's something that I've had since I was little and it's gotten worse through the years. I mean... I keep worrying that people ignore me. I keep wondering if people are going to leave me...

I'm loud. When I get happy, or when I get hyper, I get loud. When I get loud, it's hard for me to quite down. I can't help it.... It's really weird, and then people will be like "You have the most obnoxious voice ever. Quiet. Down."

I'm easily distracted. That's why I'm getting poor grades on studying. See, when I'm told to study, I'll have a pencil. I'll have paper. Paper + Pencil = drawings all over my study guide. And boom, I'll have no time to study. It makes me freak out and even more so, my grades will suffer which affects me GPA which then affects which college I go into.

I'm.... I feel left out a lot. I barely get compliments and I do things to make myself look pretty like.... wear cute clothes, or straighten my hair, and another friend of mine will turn to another friend and be like "Man, I'd date you. You're hot and nerdy." Which brings my self esteem down. I always think there's something wrong with me. Am I too fat? IS it because of all the scars on my face, is it my hair? My hair is too poofy? But even with it straight, there's not many compliments. The only time I get compliments is because people are just like "You're the skinniest person in the world! D<"

................ My birthday. It's next weekend. And I was going to have this big party. The Japanese Exchange students are here.... And people are planning things with the students and with other people on my birthday, even though they know I'm doing something on my birthday. I know that the host students are only here for a while but..... I don't know. There's this song that I listen to everyday on my birthday called "Happy Birthday" by the Vandals. I listen to it only on my birthday and never anytime else.

"It's my birthday and I'll do what I want to.
******** you. It's my birthday.
Special holiday only for me so do what I say."

It's a special holiday for me but.... My girlfriend. She's going to call me. And I'm glad because my birthday is also our anniversary of dating. So... That's the only thing I'm looking forward to.

I'm tired. But I can't sleep.... Too many people screamlaughing... It's bad.