So it's been exactly 7 days since I last talked to my boyfriend . . . 7 very long, very slow, very emotional days. I've never been away from him for this long; I can feel the very last of my energy already leaving me ; ~;
But I don't want to go on and bore you people (whoever still actually reads this) with "crycrysobsob" crap D:
But I do miss him and still love him a lot TT____TT!!!
Well . . . my laptop is fried . . . again. No surprise. It lasted about . . . 2 months or so? Whatever. But yes, he's dead again, so I have to send him back. WHEN WILL THEY LEARN AND JUST SEND ME A FRICKIN' NEW ONE!!! scream
It's so annoying, the thing doesn't last for more than a few months.
My parent's blame it on all the websites I go to . . . well let's see mother, father, the only website I go to is Gaia mainly, and even then I'm not on long!
"Uninstall some of those messengers!"
MSN, and YIM, are the only ones I have. Even though I'm on Yahoo all the time, I don't use MSN as much, but I still have it because I like to talk to my friends.
THEY ARE NOT THE PROBLEM!
My parents NEVER listen to me! They will NOT UNDERSTAND that it is the LAPTOP, not me, the frickin' laptop!! Actually you know, they don't listen to a single thing I have to say, they don't believe anything I say . . . NOTHING!
But now my brother, he gets waited on hand and foot, and when it comes to arguements, THEY TAKE HIS SIDE!
WTF!?
Just because he's the oldest and whatnot, doesn't mean you have to think I'm a lying b***h! stressed
. . . . . But whatever . . . I don't care anymore. I'm just waiting on a letter that will set my heart at ease . . . hopefully I'll have it today or tomorrow.
God he better have written me! gonk
Right now what life I have is sort of spiralling downhill . . . a lot of people keep calling me weak, yes I know that already, stop being a record.
"You're so weak, try standing up for yourself once in a while. It's not hard."
Pfft, did you people somehow pass up being a coward at 13? Yeah, that's exactly what I am. A weak coward. I know this, and I'm trying to change it.
But change isn't easy . . .
--Several quiet minutes later--
Sometimes I just wish that I would be the one to stand out from the crowd. To be the pretty one, people look up to, and be the amazing self confident one. But I know already I wouldn't be able to handle it. I break too easily.
I'm the shy one, the one who people think is intimidating and has no friends, the loner in the world. Sure I have a small number of friends, true friends . . . but I like it that way. I'm not the socializing type, but sometimes I just wish I was . . . I feel like it would make thing's for me a lot easier.
But I can't be that type.
Because I'm a little drama queen? No. That's what people think I am.
"Oh she's at that age, you know? Those little 13 year old drama queens."
NO! STFU MOTHER!! It's not! It's what you think!
I'm just severly screwed up inside and you are pressuring me to "be the best, be the most social, have the most friends, be the prettiest." You aren't understanding that I can't! Right now, I just can't!
. . . . . .
13 years old and already so much stress . . . I can't even tell if its real or not. Just like depression.
I admit that I'm a screwed up cowardly weakling b***h. But that's just who I am, as much as I try to change, someone has to see . . . that it's tearing my heart and mind in half . . . and I don't know if it can be repaired.
The one to do such a thing, to heal this broken down zombied rose, is gone . . . and I can't call upon him right now . . . because I don't even know what's going on with him.
I hate lying my stress and my depression and just everything on him, I absolutly hate it!
But he's the only release I have from my thoughts, he's the only one who gives my mind and heart rest.
Although doing such things, lying all that pressure on him, it makes him stressful too and I get him angry.
Because that I'm a weakling, because I can't stand on my own two feet, it angers him. I had taken on a challenge to change myself, but I only broke down more . . . and made him more angry, to the point where, I think if we were face-to-face at that moment, he would punch me and tell me to suck it up and keep moving foward. To just stop everything, put it behind me, and walk forward.
That's the kind of man he is . . . that's what I love of him. Brutal yet kind and gentle. He's really inspiring too. There are so many good points to him now, they cover up all the bad, yet he still can't see that.
*sigh* I'm tearing myself up right now . . . I tried to promise at the beginning of this I wouldn't turn it into a rant, but I guess I did.
So . . . I guess that's all I have to say. Don't just read, comment, please.
. . . Oh? Some people have been asking why I direct some of this stuff at my parent's, as if they're reading it. Their not. Everything I put in here is right from my head, my very thoughts, so I make it seem like they read this and how angry I am at them. But they don't read it . . . thankfully D:
