I feel like an idiot for, 1. venting my feelings in a journal on GAIA, 2. for venting my feelings at all. Nonetheless, I will vent away. Thing one. The Boy: He says one thing and does another. I don't even know what to do. Does he like me? It seems like it. Does he hate me? It seems like that, too. It's hard walking through the halls, thinking that he doesn't feel the same thrill that I do when our eyes lock. My stomach drops and I automatically smile. He just stares at me like I'm a complete idiot. It's hard thinking that he probably has that feeling with another girl. It's hard thinking that I care about him SO much more than he cares about me. It's hard thinking that every conversation we have means a lot more to me than it does to him. It's hard thinking that he only thinks of me as a friend. It's hard thinking that that's all I'll ever be in his eyes. The friend. It's even harder, however, to pretend like I don't care when I do. It's hard to pretend that I like other boys, or even worse, to talk about those other boys when he's around. It's hard seeing him not care when I mention some other guy. It's hard seeing him smile at another girl. It's hard seeing him talk to another girl. Yesterday I smelled like him. That was honestly all I could talk about. It was the best thing about my day. And you know what? He probably doesn't even care. He has so many girls to choose from. No way am I the one. And it's hard knowing that all of this is true.
Thing two. Friends: Long story short, in general, mine suck. They're all either trying to hurt me, or all ready have. With the exception of, like, one person, none of them TRULY care about me or anything I have to say. I hate how none of them put me before they put themselves. I hate how they don't even consider my feelings before they go out and do something, and then expect me to be happy for them. I hate how they're constantly telling me that I'm a bad friend, when in theory, I'm one of the best friends they'll ever have. I just hate it. It's not fair. And I don't deserve that.
Thing three. The ex-best friend: I have so much to say on this topic. Recently, I started thinking more and more about her and how close we once were, and honestly, I spent almost an hour crying. Looking back on it, things didn't have to end the way they did. They didn't have to end at all. We were inseparable. We'd talk everyday after school. We'd hang out at least once a week. We would share laughs, hugs. We would be there for each other no matter what. And then one day, we started growing apart. I could feel it hit like a tidal wave. She started becoming closer with one of these other girls, and for a while I resented both of them. The changes were slight at first. She stopped sitting with me at lunch, we started hanging out less, the phone calls grew shorter and shorter, and then came to a stop. The bus ride was more awkward. The parties less fun. And then the crucial moment. The one that set me over the edge. She went to an event where she could bring one friend, just one. It wasn't me. I was devastated. I knew that we weren't close as we once were, but I had no idea that she grew that much closer with someone else. We had a big fight, and I let her know that I was done with putting up with her drama. I regretted saying that afterwards, but was said was said. We made up soon afterward and I thought things got back to normal. Au contraire, they did not. She "faked" being my friend because she thought that it would be easier than telling me the truth. She let me know that she didn't need me in her life and how much better she was off after I left. Just like that, my best friend was gone. The person that I would once tell everything to was now someone I wouldn't even wave at in the halls. Someone that was once my everything now meant nothing to me. Or at least I'd have to pretend like she did. And that, that was the hardest of all. I loved, LOVE, her. I hate walking around and acting like I hate her, because I could never hate her. I know this was a stupid way to lose a friend, and honestly, I would do anything just to have her back. But, I'm never the one to make the first move. And neither is she. So that is the end of that.
Well okay I feel like an idiot all ready for posting this. Do me a favor and don't read it. Spanks.
its raining kats Community Member 
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