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Okay, so, my dad tried to fix my laptop a while back after it got a virus, right? Well, I guess he succeeded...sort of. I can get on the internet and Microsoft Word if I open a document first. Oh, and Yahoo! Messenger. That's it. Yeah, this thing is so ******** up that I can't even get the god-damned iTunes to work properly.
Really, my iPod is piling up with songs, over half of which desperately need deleted. What happens when I run out of room? If that happens, I am viciously attacking my dad and demanding he fixes it. And if that's not possible, he has to get me a new one. Pronto.
Meanwhile, my mom is worried because I'm supposedly at least a stone and a half underweight. I think that's bullshit. Hell, I'm OVERweight. By at least forty pounds. Apparently, this is my own opinion though. They're threatening to send me back THERE if I try to lose more weight. I can't help that I'm not very hungry. And yet, I still put on the weight. Urgggh.Mother Nature is one serious b***h.
Recently I've had the greatest urge to cut that has happened in a while..or maybe just the urge to have someone walk in on me dying, plead for me to stay with them, that they love me..that losing me would kill them, too. I don't really have anyone that would do that, though. If I locked myself in my room, or the bathroom, everyone wouldn't notice anything different until it was too late.
I just want a reason to stay. I want someone to hear me talking about this or catch me and scream in my face, tell me that if I offed myself, that they would get to me before Satan. They personally would insure my life on Earth would be Hell if I tried again. Or just throw me against a wall and abuse me, force into my brain that the only one that will ever be able to touch me is them.. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being dramatic. It's just...I don't know..I guess.
I need to feel owned. As ******** sick as that sounds..I need to be overpowered and just...not in control. I mean like,..I need to feel..yeah, under someone else's power. Just once. i'm tired of being at the wheel. i need to feel...helpless...i guess. Yeah, masochistic, that's me..I definitely prefer it over Sadism...but being in control of others is fun every once in a while.
Urgh...and the urge grows stronger...maybe just once, but I DO have someone who cares...I don't want to upset her...but it hurts so much...why can't she be on now? Comforting me..she was on earlier....whatever, maybe I can sleep it off.
 Sempiternal Hell · Sat Sep 18, 2010 @ 05:05am · 0 Comments |
