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Directions for using the new answering service installed at the Mental Health Institute.

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive - press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent - please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities - press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid - we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional - Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship orbiting around Alpha Centuri.

If you are schizophrenic - listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive - it doesn't matter which number you press nobody will answer.

If you are dyslexic - press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder - please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia - press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date, time and place of birth, national insurance number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder - slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder - please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss - press 9 If you have short-term memory loss - press 9. If you have short-term memory loss - press 9. If you have short-term memory loss - press 9.

If you have low self-esteem - please hang up as all our operators are too busy to talk to you.