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I lie in bed.
Unable to sleep.
A storm in my head,
A hazy vortex of swirling red.
I won't make a sound.
Not even a peep.
The rain inside begins to seep
through the holes where sight is found.

My mind was set
As I channeled the water
into unspoken words.
The kind I now regret.
Gathered all my courage that night
And for the first time that year.
I told you the words that I wanted to hear.

Though the timing was right,
The method was bad.
To the point that others would think that
It was horribly sad.
My wall of confidence,
and the blow from your reply.
Shattered my defense
And destroyed my innocence.
The change in subject,
delayed me to detect.
The mist in your eyes.

You left,
five minutes after.
The room so quiet, that I could even hear faint laughter.
It pained me inside to endure the sound.
I have ignored the feeling
but during this time year-round
I'll be chased by that laughing hell-hound.

I went to sleep,
emotionally exhausted.
The new school morning,
Everything had been frosted.
Sheer ice of the new year,
blanketing unmoved cars.
A day of everlasting scars.

I saw you that day.
One to three times maybe.
Threw a smile,
And a wave.
Received that same look,
I could see in a mile.
But that was all.

I kept thinking,
“What should I say?”
As I always do now,
From that moment on,
I realized there was something I signed.
The invisible agreement,
of never being more than just friends.
I don't know if I mind.

You're not evil,
by any means you are not.
“It may have been me”, I thought.
I blame myself and partially life.
By my fault of failure to understand
Your point of view and maybe your type.
It seemed that I needed a hand.

Though now I'm lost and blinded.
Fallen and consumed with my desires
I control myself away from you,
to keep me away from you.
Who I deeply admire.

I still love you,
more or less than how I did before it seems.
New rivals have arisen.
Not that it matters anyway.
I'll find none to love.

So for now,
With a broken innocent smile
I'll wait
Under a tree somewhere,
I don't know how,
nor will I care
I'll be waiting for my fate,
whatever it may be.
Just as long as
someone is there with me...