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I have really been thinking about everything that happened today.. and now I understand the reality of all of this.
He will never be mine and I have no choice but to except that as the truth behind my dreaming vision.
I love him... and that is like nothing I've ever felt before... But even I know my limits.. I won't stand in the way of Tommy and Whitney.. they are both my friends.. if anything i should incourage such a couple. Whitney is good for him.. I mean ever since he started going out with her he's done alot to improve himself.... and i know it isn't my place to stand in the way of his improvement.. but i have this feeling that he is just going to end up hurt again. I think it is going to be the Roxxane situation all over again. He falls in love with her.... she finds a pointless reason to leave him.. he tries to kill himself.. and i panic nonstop! Grr... i just don't want to see him hurt as bad as he did that night.. i swear i could almost hear him.. crying. The night he called.. i was home alone.. just watching a tv rerun.. the phone rings.. i answer.. he tells me He's sorry if he'd ever hurt me.. and I'll never have to worry about him again.. I asked what he ment.. he just said.. I'm sorry.... Then he hung up.. I collapsed on to the kitchen floor and cried as i kept dialing his number over and over and over.
He obviously didn't manage to finish ti.. but he kept his wrists covered for 2 months afterward.. and made me promise not to tell a soul.. I promised.. then turned around and broke that promise. I walked up to the office in tears on day.. and i told an administrater the whole deal.. everyone who knew i did it said i did the right thing.. but why did it tear me to pieces to do it?
I ended up telling him that it was me who turned him in... i swore he hit me.. i kept imagining wht bull story to tell my mom when i got in the car with a black eye and bloodly lip... I was shaking when i told him .. i even pulled back and braced for the worst.. but he just relaxed laid back onto my lap.. and asked why I did it.
I guess he actually does curb his temper.. i know had i not been so close to him.. known him so well.. he would have likely beat the crap out of me... which even given the reasoning.. would have broken what little bit of a heart i have left.