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Nails, Baptisms, and the Road to Nowhere |
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I am, for the second time in my life, trying to grow my nails out. I’m doing pretty good actually. biggrin There’s just one problem: I WANT TO BITE THEM SOOOO BADLY!! ><‘ Whenever I get a bad urge, I just try and settle on gnawing on them. It helps a bit, but damn it!! I still want to bite them! It’s so frustrating!! Then, there are some things that I absolutely hate about having nails. First off, they get dirt and ish in them SO easily! I have to clean them every minute on the minute! Also, it feels like something is constantly in between them, making me clean them even more! *sigh* I might cave.
My cousin got baptized this Sunday. I, against my better judgment, decided to go, because at the time it seemed as if no one was going. And besides, I wanted to support him anyway. I’m very happy for him. The baptism ceremony was nice and everything. My great aunt got very emotional during it, and watching her, I started to feel really bad. I feel awful because I can’t my mom that same joy. I mean, I would absolutely love to do it to make her happy, but that’s just it. If I did it, I would only be doing it for her; for my dad; not for me, and isn’t that the point of things like this? Aren’t I supposed to do it for myself? I don’t want it.
I suppose I could always just do it and make everyone happy, but when I tried that before, it just felt wrong. I mean, I know it would bother to no end. (I may not be religious, but I do take religion seriously and I’m not about to do something like that just for the hell of it, no pun intended.) But, again, maybe I should just put my own feelings aside and just do it for them. What does it matter how I feel anyway? So, do I bear false witness, get it over with, and make everyone happy? It’s not like it’ll get me any closer to Heaven or any farther from Hell, if such places exist. She…..THEY should know that simply getting baptized won’t “save my soul”. But, it’s whatever. Isn’t it?
I haven’t been doing well mentally and emotionally. Last week, my depression came back on me full force and I went job hunting……once again. And once again, I was shot down by everywhere I went. And, I’m ashamed to say…..well, sort of….that shot my spirit completely. I feel dead inside, and I haven’t felt like this in awhile. I feel worthless and less than dirt. I feel like I’m just so far behind. I’ve been out of school for nearly a year and I haven’t taken any classes and I haven’t worked so much as one job. I just feel…like I said so far behind. Everyone seems to be doing better than. I mean, I have cousins and stuff in their twenties with babies and no job and no income at all, and yet, it still feels like they’re so far ahead of me.
Also, all that plus the baptism thing, plus other personal things that I will not discuss, and I’m just…..through…..
I wish I was just……gone. Not dead. Not that I didn’t exist. Just…..somewhere away….. But, I guess that would make me a coward huh?
God, I suck…..
 Gothloli-chan · Tue Jun 08, 2010 @ 03:35pm · 0 Comments |
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