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I wish that I could just sit down and be alone just for 5 minutes to think about life, but for some reason I can't. I don't think anyone knows what life truly is... so far the only things that I get to think about would have to be awful things, and to tell you the truth I regret them more then I regret being alive. When I think about being alive I feel like its a mistake for caring about some people in my life that I feel maybe I should have been selfish and just... told! *cries*
But I feel like maybe I did it for a reason, and I still agree with my reasons. Like I didn't tell anyone because it would have hurt my mom to know someone she once loved actually did something to me... and then of course my brother... because I don't want him to see HIS father any other way then he does now... which is a male hero, something that I've never had and that I want him to enjoy.
I look at my life before I was 12 and I think of all the reasons why I actually DID to all that stupid ******** s**t with Mark, and what I realized was this... whenever I tried to hug or just hand out with him, it would always lead to something... stupid!
And I wanted to feel loved SO BAD that I swear I would have killed for it!! All I wanted from David was love! And they in turn hurt me!! But what ******** pisses me off is that David hurt my brother in sister cry ... I just remember all the good times and thats what hurts me most, because the way everyone else saw him, was the way I begged to see him. I wanted a Uncle *cries*
I look at all my cousins and see how happy they are with their dads and all I want is to be like that with my dad, and I know thats its too late for that =(... and the thing is... I have no father... I don't even barley even know him. My own father!! sad I just want him to hug me and never let me go, I want to be with him and feel... safe.
I've never really cared about my family outside the people I live with, and I know that the people I live with are my true family most of my family doesn't know s**t about what happened! They just go on with their days thinking theres something wrong with me and it makes me hurt inside.
I feel like I can't have a father... or someone other then a boyfriend close to me without having them turn around and hurt me sad or even worse... my family. I sometimes wish that I was dead I look back in my past real Diaries and I see how un-happy I was when Mark was molesting me, here is one now.
Dear Diary,
This is how I feel before and I after I cut... and then after is how I want to feel.
He touches me... he hurts me... and he talks to me, and all of this is floating in and out of my head. (So he thinks).
[But this is what I used to do]
After he does something to me I see him go upstairs and shut the door, I run up and make sure its closed. I run back down looking behind me making sure my brother sister and G-ma are all asleep or watching something, I go into the kitchen and take a steak knife off of the counter. I take one look back behind me and see no one I walk into the bathroom and close the door; I then close the bathroom window and block the door before locking it. I light a candle and pick up the knife, I close my eyes and let the anger I feel so deep inside of me fill my whole body and mind, my hands begin shaking with the anger inside and I turn the knife and slash it once across my right wrist. Feeling tears run down my face I lean against the bathroom wall and slowly slide down it sitting down on the floor and crying because of all the guilt I feel I look down at my wrist and see blood running down my hand to the floor, so I sit... and hope to die.
[What I wanted to happen after =( ]
I feel the guilt overwhelming me I feel as though I could scream. I drop the knife feeling my wrist begin to burn and throb I get chills running up my spine and feel like I'm slowly slipping away from life... and into a dark hole. I let this feeling take over feeling myself give up and closing my eyes as my head hits the floor and I see nothing but my heart, which was all just black. I open my eyes one last time to make sure no one can see under the door and that I'm alone, and then at that very moment... I finally feel as though... I am safe...
 elena_lily · Fri Jan 27, 2006 @ 03:37am · 6 Comments |
