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I feel SO freaking suffocated!!
Because of circumstances (I don't feel like explaining now. Maybe later.), my sister and I have to live with my aunt. This was all fine....in the beginning.
However, now there are like 10 freakin people living this house at once!!
TEN PEOPLE in a TWO bedroom TRAILER!! (Yep. Not even a house. A trailer.) And what's worse is that every single day, there are like 5 kids that have to pile into this UBER small room! (And I mean UBER small.) Plus, these kids are young and mess up every single day! Yet, my sister and I get blamed for it because this is "our room" and "the only thing we have to do is keep it clean". AAAARGH!! I mean, don't get me wrong. Some of the stuff is my fault. I'm not the neatest person in the world, but seriously (and this is the truth) when a room is too neat and bare, I get nervous and paranoid. It's not comfortable to me. I simply am not happy unless I'm surrounded by my stuff. (I believe I'm what's called a "horder".) However, this is where me and my dad clash. He too has a nervous problem, but it just happens to be the exact opposite of mine. When things are too cluttered, it makes him nervous and he feels as though he can't breathe. *sigh* It's sad really. And me and my sis and my dad kind of share the same space. (You can see the conflict.) (Again, this is due to circumstances I'm in no mood to explain.)
But, lucky for me, this isn't the only house I'm limited to. I could always go to my mom's house! biggrin
Oh wait....I hate it there too! No privacy there either. No peace. Plus....step....man...UGH!! He's all trying to play father right now. He crossed the line when he called me his "daughter" and his "big baby" and especially by calling me my nickname that only my mother and father use. (It pisses me the f*ck off!!) And my mom has lost her d*mn mind! She isn't saying anything about it and even referred to the man as "my second father". She, who once said she would NEVER allow that. We were watching a movie one day, and a kid called his stepfather "Daddy Number 2". My mom went ballistic! She was all "I don't agree with that at all! If I ever get remarried, I don't want you girls to call him daddy. You only have one dad." Hmph! More proof that love just makes you a f*cking moron! I mean, it would be something different if my dad was a deadbeat or even if my dad was great, but the other man was a good father figure (like with my friend's stepdad). But, this man....father figure? Takes care of business? Worthy to be called a dad or even a husband? HELL NO!! (UGH!!)
There's also my grandma's (mom's side, both of my dad's parents are dead. sad ) house. It's usually fine there...sorta. Let's just say my grandma has problems....
There's always my grandad's house. Roomy. A place where I can be alone. And oh so quiet......until my granddad gets home. Then all hell breaks loose. I love my granddad, but the man is probably THE most difficult person alive! (And that's HIGHLY understating it!!)
I guess my only real hope is college. But, even that seems like hopeless dream. I got accepted to my dream college, but there's one huge problem. FINANCES.
My family lives literally on the poverty line. (On BOTH sides!) It's as much as we can do to eat every month. (Probably the reason for my aunt overbooking her house.) I have absolutely no kind of college fund,no income, no money in the bank, and neither does my parents.
Scholarships are useless because I don't qualify for any. (And usually it's always just one little thing that holds me back.) I wasn't the best student in school, nor do I have any real extracurricular (both due to illness.) Even need-based grants aren't working out for me because I simply can't find any. And most of them are closed now.
Also, in the whole time I've been out of school, I have yet to find a job! It's partially my fault because I have trouble initiating things. But, for the most part, it's a lack of transportation that's really hindering me. And it's sad because there are PLENTY of people around me with cars. They all say they're willing to help, but when I ask or something and it comes time for them to do it, no one wants to step up. I mean, I can barely get anyone to drive us to a store not a block away, let alone to go job hunting or even to work everyday. Then when I miss an opportunity or someone asks me how my job hunting is going and I tell them I'm having no luck, they want to say "Well, you have no excuses because there are plenty people around you to drive you." or "You could have asked us. We would have took you." Really? You can't take me to the store, yet you'll drive me out of town and back everyday?
BULLSH!T!!
And it's even harder because my city sucks and there are barely any jobs out there anyway! Everytime I find a place that is hiring, I get an application, it's forever until I can go back to the place, and by that time they've stopped hiring.
And again, I'm so sick of being blamed for this! Half of the time I don't bother asking people for favors because I already know what they'll say! I mean, d*mn! If you have a problem taking me to the doctor or anywhere and everytime I ask you to take me somewhere, there's a problem, then why the h3ll would I ask you?!
People around me say one thing, but do something else, but I always get blamed for it!
It would be SO much easier if I had my own car and a license. Oh yeah! Did I forget to mention that I don't have my license yet? Well, I don't. Again, not my fault.
Another thing that I'm really sick of is people saying "You need to get your license." OK...and I always say "I need someone to take me practicing." and they always say "OK." Yet they NEVER do! And then again they'll say "You need to go on and get your license." OK! THEN WILL YOU TAKE ME F*CKING PRACTICING?!?! No? THEN SHUT THE F*CK UP!!
What?! Do they expect me to just go and take my driving exam without any practice and pass?! I'm sorry, but real life doesn't work that way!! I'm not a d*mn magician!! My dad found me a car for only $500! But, with his income alone, he is unable to get it for me. (Plus, he has to worry about paying just my enrollment fees for college! Ugh....at this point, I'm ready to start working the streets!) He told me to ask my granddad if he would pay for half or something, but again, my granddad is THE MOST DIFFICULT PERSON EVER!! I know he's just going to fuss, and scream, and b!tch, and complain, and yada yada ya! But, at this point, I really have no choice but to ask him. (*sigh* Better get my earplugs ready...)
((Oh! And before you think it, my mom barely has enough money to keep food in the house and she can't work. And again, that man is completely useless!))
Ugh! I'm just at the point again where I'm just so sick of everyone! I need to be away from everyone! From the entire d*mn world for a little bit!! I don't care who you are. My mom. My dad. My sister. My aunt. My grandparents. I'm sick of them all! At one point, I couldn't wait to get away from them and when I did I had planed to sever all ties with them and never speak to them again! And it's sad to say, but I'm nearly at that point again!
Really, about the only people I can stomach being around or even talking to is my friends. My REAL friends. (But, sometimes, I don't even want to be bothered with them. Not because I don't like them, but because I feel so suffocated.)
I'm just so very sick of everyone. I mean, right now. Give me a one room house with a bathroom, a minimum wage job, and a laptop with internet (even dial up!) no and I'll be the happiest person on earth. Because at least I'd be alone and have some darn privacy!!
 Gothloli-chan · Fri Oct 09, 2009 @ 09:58am · 1 Comments |
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