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	Thoughts and Metaphors Etc
	Thoughts and Metaphors Etc


In five weeks or so, i will be leaving California and moving to Oregon not with my dad but on my own. I will be leaving san francisco, my dad, my friends and everything else. I will bring with me only what i must. I love my dad, i love san francisco and I like all of my friends i am grateful for all of them and would say thank you but it sounds so shallow and meaningless compared to what i want to say. But I have to, need to leave. I am going with my step family to Oregon. to prevent my own mental, emotional decay and damage to move forward i must go forward or my past with bring me so far backwards i will fall and fall and keep falling until there's nothing left of me to hit the bottom. I can not let this happen. I want to live a life not die it. I can not let myself become a shell. Thats not who i am nor is it who i want to be. for so long now, i have been manipulated by my own trauma responses and my survival habits it drives me mad and to tears. Its as if i never left the people and places that caused me have such pain and painful reflexes. but i am not my own programmed reflexes, though they try to be me and control me, i am not my pain. My demons will not win. i must leave, because here with my dad school and san francisco its not the extremely bad nor is it good. In most of my life i have only delt with situations that were intensively bad or wonderfully good. but now it is not really in the middle and not really good every day becomes lifeless pointless and chained schedule after schedule, top priorities after top priorities I become colder and colder and more and more numb. If i become to cold or to numb i will shatter. i can not let this happen when i have the answer to stop and prevent it in my hands. i cant let myself get in my own way of just being and being happy. I cant let her win. The Journey of a smile My song my band Bubble Chamber Arayza · Thu Jul 23, 2009 @ 12:25am · 1 Comments


Arayza Community Member «Prev \| Next» Archive \| Home [08/28/10 09:01am] [06/04/10 09:02am] [05/27/10 11:29am] [05/04/10 11:08pm] [04/21/10 05:34am] [03/26/10 08:59am] [03/23/10 08:31am] [03/21/10 10:16am] [03/21/10 08:32am] [03/20/10 11:00am]

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	User Comments: [1]


	bubbles, I don't mean this to insult you, but everyone is blind. I didn't realize how much of a fool you were, but I guess my admiration in you blinded me. God, you will never be a shell. Bubbles, you are the rose that has bloomed on the twisted plant. You are stronger than most people, and will never be a shell. Stop seeing as those survival instincts and look at what has bloomed from the twisted tree! Sure, I don't know what it is like to be raped, I don't know your world, but god damn it I know that you are one of the people, the rare people who were able to be strengthened by the turmoil of our lives. Bubbles, you possess the ability of fire, to face those shadows, those foul things with strength while others are to afraid to face it. You possess water, the ability to find the calmness in the storm. A pearl can only be created from an ugly creature, the oyster! You possess wind, the ability to recapture true freedom of being. You can be childish dispite the fact that you lived with a ****** up childhood. You possess Earth, the ability to change energies and heal, to stand as tall as a mountain to protect what you care for. Your beliefs are unshakable. If anything Bubbles, your personality has been strengthened by the damned past. The child that lays on the road, the one that was eaten, you possess the ability to face it, while others were too afraid to look at it. That child never died, nor did it suffer. Cassandra, when I look at you, I see a person who has been swimming through the storms, a person who has been thrashed around and washed about by the storm, but only to come out as the pearl in the turmoil, to be in pain but strong, to know, to feel, to hold to heart strength that others lack. I can see you as this, a person who rises above her trails, a person who will never submit to being a shell, a person who can't become a shell. The mirrors are barriers, yes, but they protect you. You can redirect energies, you can see and sense them, Cassandra, you possess true sympathy, true empathy, true ability to help others even though you were never helped. Fall into becoming a shell, I think not, I feel not, I believe not, I as sure as damn hell hold that to heart that you will never become the shell of the past, the shell of turmoil. You are Cassandra, strong, caring, intelligent, poetic, visionary, artist, a person who has been given a gift others lack, drawing beauty from ugly, turning the negative into possitive, to recieve something from nothing. To create something from nothing. You are Cassandra, you are Storm rider, you will not submit, nor even be tainted by becoming a shell. The fire you have, the one only storm riders possess, that fire is not anger, not bitterness, but love, compassion, warmth. That is the Night Angel, Avatar of Retribution, the flame the cleanse others and protects those you love. Cassandra, you protect yourself by reflecting negative energies back at others, and that's ok. It is ok to defend yourself, it is ok if you acciedently hurt others. You lived in turmoil, something others have not. You deserve a better life, if you hurt others from self defense then know this, Cassandra, you defend yourself last, you have always done that. I remember you told me about your grandmother, how she attacked you, but the thing I noticed shined from your words, you didn't reflect back instantly. In fact, you allowed yourself to the get before you defended yourself. If at all, you did nothing wrong. I just hope my words actually mean something to you, and trust me, if you and I were talking, there would be passion behind these words. You are my friend, I love you and all my friends, and there is nothing you can do about that mrgreen smile 3nodding Offline MemorysGalleySlave** · Community Member · Tue Mar 09, 2010 @ 08:34am

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	User Comments: [1]

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