Right away I will get to the point of this entry in particular: To anyone that I in the slightest shape, form, or fashion have made feel ignored, forgotten, left behind or no longer cared for, I am well and truly and very deeply sorry.
And that is the only part of the entry you are now reading that was kept from my original draft; I had a pretty good entry going before I realized it was nothing that should be posted. It should be kept for my eyes only. No one here comes to read that stuff and anyway, as all my work does it had tangented far from the original reason I typed it and that reason being is...You.
Yes. You.
*Points*
If you have bothered to read this, if you have bothered enough to care to check back here and see what Ol' Run-On Queen has typed then I figure I owe you an apology because the Queen has not been very...here. Not in a long time. So long in fact that I have once again lost complete and utter touch with things; when did the shops change? What the hell is wrong with Timmy? How many damn Evolving Items are there now? When did the guilds change? How in the hell am I going to get caught back up in a day what it has taken years to let pile up?
There is so much to do; sadly, not even a fraction of the time I had hoped to do it all in.
So to start out with I wanted to apologize to the people who still care enough to check in here- for everyone I owe a PM, a profile comment, RP reply, guild post, or even a forum post I am very, very sorry. At this point I know my words are cheap but what little time I have tonight and tomorrow I promise to work on things on here.
Will I get it all caught up? Not likely. There's too much to do, not enough time to do it, and every tick-tock of the clock brings me closer to having to continue on with The Show. I simply can not do it; this is not a matter of my being negative, nor is it even what I call my special brand of realism. No. It is just the truth.
To give anyone who cares to know just a glimpse of what I had wanted to do, here's a little taste of just a small bit of what I needed to do to get caught up (all numbers as of this time- 11:26 PM on May 17th, 2009):
~ Over 100 unique PMs to get sent out ('Unique' being my way to say there are only 100 users to PM, not the exact number of PMs to be sent out. I gather the PMs from any one person who has sent me more then one and usually just answer them all in one go. If I were to count them the other way I would have well over 300 PMs to answer. Not everyone sends me more then one PM but most do; not that I am complaining, I just want to try to explain why I have yet to get their replies back.)
~ Profile comments nearly two years old to answer (Believe it or not, some of those are relevant. Besides, I have PMs much older than that to return.)
~ Guilds (There is one guild alone would have taken at least a good two days to get current on- and that does not count the time I was going to take to preform the back-up I have been wanting to do since the year I joined the guild. So...goody. That is not counting all the guilds I am needing to spend some time on- no, no. That is just the one. Out of five. Currently.)
~ I have artists' threads and guilds I have not even haunted since I got my orders from them (This bothers me because I feel like I have hit-and-run, which is not my style. Plus I met some really good people in each thread who I know I have made feel left behind. The goal was to get back into touch with some of the artists and let them know how much their work meant to me.)
~ Thread and Journal subs to go through (All of this is very O.C.D.-esque, I am well aware. Still, it means something to me. When I tell someone I am going to do something, get a reply to someone or whatever, even something as "unimportant" as stuff like this, I really want to do what I said I would do. Integrity is more then a little important to me. It is one thing when I say I will do something and I am the blatant reason I do not get it done; now I am just being the passive reason things are not getting done and that bothers me just slightly.)
That is just a teeny sample. That's not counting the profile I still have not been able to get properly coded, the replies I wanted to get back to the artists who offered to draw Candle for me, the massive amounts of backing-up I wanted to do; I am quiet literally still behind since 2004 and what little progress I had made has been laid to waste.
I have a five page Gaia to-do list here in front of me- front and back, divided into sections (I.E. Guilds, PMs, Threads, RPs, etc.), all carefully made and detailed for what I had hoped to do with my time off from work. Anyone who talks to me and cares to really listen and take in what I am saying knows how important my days off are to me; I guess I can hope to have a chance like what I had this weekend again but frankly, I do not see it happening again anytime soon. There's no use getting upset about it as I did (shamefully, I got very upset) but there's still that feeling that just will not go away when I think about it. I've only myself to blame for this entire mess, however; knowing that keeps me as maintained about it as I am.
All I can do at this point is keep trying to get caught up and plead forgiveness from those who I have kept waiting for this long. Hope that I have not burned bridges I had not even gotten to cross; more importantly, hope that everyone knows I meant nothing personal by not being online more, just the way certain things have been working out. It really is nothing personal, and really when it comes right down to the bones of this entire thing it is just that- I do not like letting people down.
When I say I want to do something, or that I plan on doing something then I feel like I am making promises to people...and when I can not meet those promises or expectations I get a little...Aries about things. I know there are some people that think nothing of what they say they will do or will not do for someone else, but believe it or not, despite what it may seem to people that really does not sit right with me. I like doing things for people. I like being able to do things for people; even something as simple as a PM has done wonders for my outlook and so I think...how many chances have I had to do the same for someone else, only to not be able to do it? And what reasons do I have to look back on, now that I have come this far with things?
Right now I have no certainty about much of anything when it comes to how I get to spend the time I get for personal matters, and as to all the people who have asked me certain things about said subject, I've only one answer:
No, I don't care enough to try explaining it anymore.
Again, nothing personal, but what is the point of wasting all my words? There's a Shakira song I keep coming back to, over and over again. There are lyrics that say "So what's the point of wasting all my words, if it's just the same or even worse as reading poems to a horse?"
And in finally getting that through my very thick, very stubborn head is a very freeing realization: I do not have to bother anymore. Hell, I do not even want to. Really, what is the point? There are some subjects I have written and typed my hands off about and even more that I have talked myself and others blue about. If I still have to talk, if I still have to try to make my point about certain things...then I do not have to say anything else about any of it. The fact it was not heard says all that needs to be said to me; asking me anymore questions about certain things says to me that when it was the most important, certain people were not listening. Once upon a time finally realizing that main truth would have really hurt. Now it does not. For once I can really see what they mean when they said the truth will set you free.
What does all of that have to do with Gaia? It is the answer to certain questions I keep getting- certain things that I do not feel like continuing on about. I am putting this in here for all to see because I am done with trying. This is the last I have to say about it.
Plus, on the lighter side...It means a lot less repeating on my part. xD
Which leads me to my other major reason for this entry: Thank you. For those of you that hang with me no matter what and never once get an attitude about things, for those of you that really do understand...Thank you. Thank you a million times over; I was told once that online friendships were nothing but some of you have proven that one very, very wrong.
And two last thoughts, both beautiful quotes I have been recently sent that has done me a world of good and I would like to share them now with anyone who needs to know the expression exists for something they are feeling:
Whether you’re pleasing or pissing everyone off...you’re doing something wrong.
~
If you do what you've always done,
you'll be what you've always been.
Here's to no longer doing what has always been done.
<span id="test27520729">. . .</span><br/><div id="post27520729" style="display:none; margin-right:75px;">
And that little voice inside of my head was happy with me to converse-
"It's not half as bad as what you think.
It's worse." </div>
 · Mon May 18, 2009 @ 04:49am · 2 Comments |
