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Today is my grandmother's funeral. It's going to probably be one of the hardest, most painful, stressful things i've had to go through...but i dont know if the new found hurt im going to feel today is anything equal to the distress i was in yesterday. In one week I've lost my grandma (who died in front of me), my uncle, I had to be a verbal punching bag for my parents, dealt with sympathy from perfect strangers and ended up crying in a ******** restaurant, my so call friend chose the time when my grandma dies to bring up past grudges against my family, even my beloved neighbor is in the hospital because of a biopsy going wrong.
But even all these happenings never caused me to feel anger..not towards God..not really even towards my parents.
But amidst all my sorrow the thing that cut me deepest was the betrayal of a friend.My week has been hell and he's done nothing but add to it. I used to believe I loved him but now I know I was just blinded by what i believed to be happiness. We never really made it to that 1 year mark..and I always thought it was my fault..i've cried and cried over ..maybe..if i was a little older...lived a little closer..wasnt so clingy was taller....and years he's suppressed those feelings and made me feel like it was impossible for me to change those therefore i should give up my feelings..I believed him...that he really wanted me but couldnt be with me because of these small factors...and that..I meant the world to him...i was HIS BEST friend. I still was special.
what was the truth?
the truth is not even his REAL best friend has heard my name. Known my existence.
And now he's in love with someone younger than me in another country.
and he loves her more than he did me..after everything..all those nights of talking..my internal suffering....he never tried to be with me again..he hardly even regreted it unless i was upset...he was happier.
..funny thing is though she cheated on him..but of course it wasnt enough..his stomach hurts he wants her he's sad...but SWEARS to ME that he wont be taking her back that he's 100% better and has no more feelings.....
yeah..naive me believed him..again...
..and he lied..
now she's leaving the other guy and he's actually CONSIDERING going back to her...
...h-how can he..i've asked and begged and pleading he come back to me for 2 YEARS....and a child he's know for ..maybe..a few months who he said had no relationship with him..cries and feels a little sorry..ONCE ..and he considers it?
He drops this on me during my grandmothers death...
...and now expects me to accept and forgive him....
....i'm only stupid once..
 D0N3 · Sat Apr 04, 2009 @ 05:56pm · 3 Comments |
