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1/18/2009

I don't really get it. I feel like I should be happy today. My brother came over, my mom is here, my step-dad is here, and there is no reason not to be. My mind is taking smaller things more offensively which is just not me. Furthermore, my thoughts seem cluttered and unorganized making it hard to describe how I'm feeling. My heart feels broken almost. The pain is too real for it not to be. Why though?

My mood has sunken low lately. Is it because of that Final Fantasy 7: Crisis Core ending? Sad endings like those can affect me for a while, but never really this long.

Was it because I was pretty much alone for a few hours today and my mood just kinda sunk from there? I remember as soon as my mom fell asleep, I went into the livingroom with nothing to do since even my little brothers (the only other people in the house beside my mother and I) were asleep. I think that is what hit me the worst now that I think about it.

I remember I sat on the couch and that is when the heart ache began. The feeling of loneliness slashed into me hard. I tried coming online, but nobody I really was hoping to talk to was online.

I know that was when the loneliness hurt the worst. Everyone was asleep, and there was nobody I needed to talk to so I was simply meaningless, or at least it felt that way. I hate that feeling. My chest started hurting a bit, my eyes ached with tears, my heart hurt, and my mood was a deep color of black.

I still can't really pinpoint the exact thing that is causing my depression, but I think I'm beggining to dig a little deeper into it. I know it isn't any one thing, that is one truth. I'll try to type another journal tomorrow night to chronicle how my days go to see if I find any multi-occuring problems.

Suspected #1 problem: The feeling of loneliness