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this little mind ******** I've been getting is driving me crazy. I mean... god I don't even know how to put it in words. I've just been dwelling on the past alot lately. I don't know why but I have been. I mean. The rape... that's a big one. I know I'm safe now, but I'm so afraid to leave the house anymore. I mean that pain.... sometimes it comes back. Like I can feel him........................ gah. then I think about my parents... and how they disowned me like they did... all because I'm gay... because I'm me. I mean I can still hear my dad telling me how I'm nothing and I'll never be anything..... it just tears my heart apart because we used to be really close when I was a kid. I don't know what happened. I mean there's just so much in my head right now. I'm always afraid Rais is gonna leave me again. He says he won't but... somtimes I wonder why he stays with me at all. I'm not anything special. I mean hell I don't get out of bed half the time because I'm so afraid of everything. I hate being afraid. So much has happened to me though... if I were to ever experience something along those lines again... idk what I'd do honestly. See now I'm thinking about when I tried to kill myself. like... what if Rais hadn't found me? I'd be dead. I always wonder what everyone would be like without me.. probably happier and less stressed..... gah I can't do this.