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Well once again I am in my dangerous moods. Its a mixture of depression, lonlyeness and somthing els. Right now I just don't really give a ********. I don't know if I can get out this time. But as in the past I don't think I ever knew if I could get out of this mood.
I feel...lazy. I don't really want to do anything other than what I want. Ironically me not being able to do what I want is further keeping me down. Perhaps not Speeding down a hill is good. If my bike where fixed I would go tomrrow, or even now. Nothing would hold me back.
With all my concentration on the road ahead of me I could clear my mind. Maybe even get the blood pumping once again. But with out at least some sort of fear boundry to keep my riding in check, I could verywell over extend the limits of the bike, and die horrably. Or even worse get injured.
My problems won't get fixed today, or tomorrow, or probably the next day or even the day after that. I really can't see a magical solution to it all. All my dreams and ambitions all have horrible flaws. The amazing "What if" question comes to mind in all of them. And to kick me when Im down the ugly facts rear thier head.
Ok so I want a girlfriend. Some one to cure my lonleyness and show me the wonders of love. Well you all are porbably going to say. "Geoff, have hope, love comes your way when you least expect it. Have hope, bla bla ******** bla." Falling in love with some one/ or evven liking some one is relativley simple compared to them being single, and loving you back. I don't believe in love at first sight anymore.
As far as I can see it takes time to fall in love. ******** I don't even know what Im saying anymore. Whatever! Right now Im trying not to being alone eat me up.
Ok so I want to be a mechanical engeneer. Trouble is how long would it be until I run out of work. How long are fossil fuels going to last. If I spen all my goddam time learning what I love, learning about Turbochargers, Intercoolers and all of that. Whats the point. Its going to get replaced with a whole other ball game. Fuel Cells. You could say maby I should learn about that. No ******** that, I don't want to learn how to make gait battery powered cars. Only long before I am dead will those cells be able to produce enough power for that car to be fun. There is nothing and probably will be nothing compared to internal combustion. It probably sounds fenatical, and it is. I don't really want to work on any other engine.
But what is the point if I only can work for however long car companys make proper cars.
When there are no longer fossil fuels, there will be no racing as we know it, no drifting, no turbo chargers, no dump valves, no real speed. I don't see how my passion could be transferred to a master peice of engeneering, somthing so interesting, somthing that you know is MAN-MADE to a electric go-cart. The skills I learn at driving probably wouldn't be lost, becasue I can see how the contols could remain the same, but I really can't see how they would get the same acceleration, power and top speed.
Perhaps I could try for the unnatainable and try to become a test driver with my mechanical engeneering. I could specialise is some field that would be consistant with the cars we have today and the cars of the future. But the likley hood of me getting such a cool job is so small that I probalby shouldn't even bother. You need luck to get a dream job. And luck is somthing I haven't had as of yet.
Since I already seem to be getting my foot in the door of grapic desighn, I could do that for a living, but I don't really want to. Not to mention its very compeditive.
I need to find out what I truly want to do, even if I know it all along I still want to see the world, and find myself. The sooner the better.
But like everything in my life, its not going to happen tomorrow, or the next day or even the day after. Im trying not to let this lonleyness eat me up, but it is. Im trying to remain patient, but almost 20 years into my life and I don't think much has changed. I don't know how to solve my problems, if I can, or if I'll just push them to the back of my mind to reappear another day.
All I have to say, is if you have somthing that is precious and dear to you. Don't let it go, don't just give it up. Fight for it, you have to be considered too. And if you can make what you want happen now, then make it so. Don't wait around and diddle daddle.
 Super Panda454 · Thu Nov 11, 2004 @ 05:41pm · 1 Comments |
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