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It's time. To run.
To run, to run away from everything. It isn't solving anything, but I'll be a little farther away than where I am now.
It's been solved. I'm not wanted. Not around here at least.
It's time to confess some things.
I've been feeling really bad. For those of you I told not to worry because there was no reason to worry, I didn't tell you the truth. I'm making a personal apology. Anne, I'm sorry for not being honest about it. I didn't want you to worry, and I still don't. I'm just afraid of what you'd think.
I think I've developed some problems. Not just on the outside, it's on the inside too. I'm not eating very much anymore. When I'm home alone, I don't really eat at all. I dont really know why, I just haven't been eating much when I'm alone. When my dad is around, I'll eat. I'll force myself to eat. Just to make it seem like I'm eating.
It could be from lonlieness. Even sitting and talking to people, I just feel kind of lonely. It's just the way I've gotten now.
Even at this very second, I just got the worst news. One that I can't run away from. I just want to throw up. I can't do it though. My body won't let me. I want to make myself. I want to stick my finger down my throat and make it come out. Like it would be solving something. If that were the solution to anything right now, I would. Like, just by doing that would make it all better.
But it won't. It never will. Doing that is just hurting myself more. It would be hurting my body, it would be hurting myself thinking it would be making me better. But it doesn't. My throat is welling up, giving me a lump in my throat. Crying isn't solving anything right now either. It hasn't. Crying doesn't ever solve anything either. It never will.
I just feel sick. I wanted to tell someone about my problem. I just couldn't. I was afraid of being judged. I guess I won't have the problem anymore.
I did some research. My eating is something small so far. It's growing. There's a name for it. There are symptoms. [Things in italics are my thoughts, things in bold are my symptoms.]
Binge Eating Disorder
Reasons for Binge Eating can be similar to those of Compulsive Overeating; Using Binges as a way to hide from their emotions,to fill a void they feel inside, and to cope with daily stresses and problems in their lives. Binging can be used as a way to keep people away, to subconsciously maintain an overweight appearance to cater to society's sad stigma "if I'm fat, no one will like me," as each person suffering may feel undeserving of love. As with Bulimia, Binging can also be used as self-punishment for doing "bad" things, or for feeling badly about themselves.
I'm thinking, this makes perfect sense. I have a lot of this in my life. Daily.
A person suffering with Binge Eating Disorder is at health risk for a heart attack, high blood-pressure and cholesterol, kidney disease and/or failure, arthritis and bone deterioration, and stroke.
Great. Not only am I at risk of death, I'm at risk of hurting myself WAY more before death.
Diagnostic Criteria
1.) Recurrent episodes of binge eating. An episode of binge eating is characterized by both of the following:
Eating, in a discrete period of time (eg, within any 2-hour period), an amount of food that is definitely larger than most people would eat in a similar period of time under similar circumstances;
A sense of lack of control over eating during the episode (eg, a feeling that one cannot stop eating or control what or how much one is eating). 2.) The binge eating episodes are associated with at least three of the following:
Eating much more rapidly than normal
Eating until feeling uncomfortably full
Eating large amounts of food when not feeling physically hungry
Eating alone because of being embarrassed by how much one is eating
Feeling disgusted with oneself, depressed, or feeling very guilty after overeating
3.) Marked distress regarding binge eating.
4.) The binge eating occurs, on average, at least 2 days a week for 6 months.
5.) The binge eating is not associated with the regular use of inappropriate compensatory behaviors (eg, purging, fasting, excessive exercise) and does not occur exclusively during the course of anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa.
The following is a comment I found on the website of the disorder. [Again, bold are things that apply to me too.]
I'd eat in secret, gorging myself with more food than necessary, way beyond the point of feeling full. Guilt, anxiety and fear would always ensue. Feelings of rage, hatred and loathing would follow; or severe depression with suicidal tendencies. You know it's ironic: I understand my disease enough to know that it all stems from issues of control (feeling out of control and abusing food to regain it). But I am so out of control when I abuse food, that it just becomes a vicious cycle day after day after day.
Isn't it ironic? That everyone has the exact same story? That we all are the same because of one small thing? It's just the kind of thing that says you aren't so different from everyone else in the world.
 nangal · Sat Oct 11, 2008 @ 03:16am · 1 Comments |
