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Something is wrong, but I can't seem to pinpoint what. Maybe its everything.
So anyway, I'm out of the cast a little early on the provision I take it easy, and so I am. It feels good to no longer have that itchy cast on my leg, and to no longer have to go insane trying to get at the tingles with a meter stick.
I've begun tutoring again, so I am often gone on local calls for the job. I feel I am slightly.. less though. My playing no longer seems the same; I teach just fine, but its like the notes are flatter than they should be. (Don't be a smart a** and tell me to tune it.)
I'm considering returning to the cafe to work, and I know that I need the funds, but I have a new certain little 'stalker' who wants to meet me there after I was an idiot and told her the name of the place. I will never give details again.
The inevitable relationship paragraph has come. Just skip it, as a warning. Lately I've been thinking back over time about my different relationships. To me, I think I was much happier just alone on my own choice. After Amanda, I had taken that year or so break until I had gotten on here and I was happy. Then there was Christine here locally, and that blew up in my face. So with two actual relationships dead, I had turned online. There was Whip, which was a disaster in and of itself. I don't think anything more needs to be said on that. And now there is Kalandra. This was wonderful in the beginning, but now, after my problems around Christmas, I have seemed to withdrawn from her. She asks that I talk to her, that I show an inch of caring, and yet I am starting to find it is an effort to do so. Believe me you, I am as horrified at this as you are. There are some days I wake up and I want to entrance her, to sweep her away again, but as time passes, and I look about at how pointless it all is, I feel like giving up. My words to her lately have been cold, and flat- Kalandra deserves a lot more than that. Honestly, I am surprised she even sticks around for me anymore, God knows her own problems are much more mounting than whatever is afflicting me. I do not know what is wrong with me, but I do not believe she should be around me when I am like this. If I were someone else, I would think the same.
Not withstanding, my art has sort of continued. Though I still find it mostly repulsive, and I still wonder why anyone pays for it. xD.
 Vodou · Wed Aug 17, 2005 @ 06:30am · 4 Comments |
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